A note concerning tangents: (VIII)

Current Location: Fargo, ND (pop-95,600)
(N46°52.757', W096°47.017', elev: 822 feet)
Total distance traveled during Leg 8: 352.7 miles
Total distance traveled: 2447.9 miles
Expedition Outlook: Destiny Manifest
Number of times we have entered a state for the first time to immediately discover that its major roads are not only under construction, but under construction in such a way that it actively proves to be a hinderance: 6
*Bonus Statistic*: Number of States we have entered for the first time: 7(not including NY or PA which we have been to many times, nor taking into account states Edison visited with his family when he was a small child back in the late Cretaceous)

Well, I suppose these sorts of things will be inevitable, but today was largely a day spent in transit. "But if you spent the day driving, why did you travel less than on the day where you had a five hour awesome town excursion at the House on the Rock?" is what I'm certain you're asking. Well, inquisitive readers, I have an answer for you: Because we still don't have the hang of mornings. In principle we understand that the sun will rise and then so should we a few hours after that, but in practice I wage war against three separate alarm clocks and by time I finally lose, I have just enough time to trick Edison into waking up so we can quit ourselves of the building by check out time. With time, I think, we'll get the hang of it.

What do you suppose they sell?

Once on the move we briefly explored what Ashland's main street had to offer. We broke our fast at a local cafe (And they actually knew how to cook an omelette so that it wasn't a watery mess. I wish they offered a correspondence course that some of the short order cooks in the Valley could subscribe to.) as well as took care of some basic errands. On the way we discovered Ashland's one stop vice shop(not the shop in the above photo): A disarming, flip flops and knick-knacks style tourist trap mien loomed at us from the storefront. Poking our heads in we discovered the usual kitschy t-shirts and hemp bracelets and incense and glass bric-a-brac that you would expect to find in such a place. Vaguely screened by a beaded curtain was the other two thirds of the store: head-shop and sex store. A bit disorienting, but the proprietors were very friendly.

Great Lakes Achievement: Complete!

On the outskirts of town we found Maslowski Beach and touched the waters of the fifth and final Great Lake, Lake Superior. I provided appropriate musical accompaniment and we did the level up dance on its shores. Our celebration would have been premature if not for the watchful eyes of Corona and Hannibal. As it turns out, the Batlabians were waiting for us at Superior and were prepared to unleash an ambush. While they may have anticipated our path, they did not account for either Hannibal's kung-fu or Corona's crushing wheels, and fell victim. I believe Edison and I were blissfully searching for interesting driftwood at the time. None the wiser (It wasn't until Akeley that Hannibal had revealed what had occurred), we departed Superior and set our course for MN.

That second floor is a lounge.

Our first stop was a gas station designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. We figured if we couldn't see his mansion, we could see a service station he designed. Practically the same thing right? The station was quirkily intriguing, but in the end, it was just a gas station so we moved on. En route to Akeley, MN, our next objective, was the Mississippi River. This far north it's a rather pleasant river and not the primal force that rampages around through the souther states. Touching its waters unlocked another secret achievement for us. After a round of back slapping and the handing out of egregious compliments, we resumed our travels.

I can't think of a time when this should ever be OK.

Our goal in Akeley was a Paul Bunyan statue that we were thoroughly convinced would be an excellent specimen of Big People. And boy was he ever. I suspect that his crazed glassy stare was not that way simply because his eyes are likely made of glass, but rather for deeper and far more unsettling reasons. (For instance, it could have been given a parody of life at one point, a parody built upon the stolen hearts and tears of orphan children.) Hannibal swears up and down (typically he swears from side to side, so we could tell something was up) that he was touched in an inappropriate fashion when we had him pose with the Bunyan. As if Paul wasn't enough, we also found 'Hooch Lake.' Named after, one would imagine, the creepy Big People fiend sunning herself in a nearby stagnant pond. I'm going to refrain from posting a picture of her, A) because they are not OK, and B) because I think the internet police might revoke my privileges if I do so. Anyone who is really interested (both in seeing a picture and in raising my suspicions about their mental health as a result of asking to see it) is welcome to contact me with a request.

Once I was able to get Edison to stop rocking back and forth and get into the vehicle, we charted a course for Moorhead, MN. Why Moorhead? We needed to cross into ND at some point, and once we discovered that Moorhead had a Viking heritage museum we stopped looking and started driving. As it turns out Moorhead is just across a river from Fargo, ND; the two cities exist as a single metropolitan unit. We took our dinner in Fargo, and conveniently enough, found lodging minutes away from the museum, so it will be a short and easy commute in the morning.

You'd think he'd be a little more discrete.

Our excursions may have been tame (so to speak), but expedition drama continues to simmer. We are pretty sure Eloise tried to navigate us into a river today. We foiled her, but we are rapidly getting to the point where we will begin questioning all courses she offers us.

This is the first day of the trip since NY that Hannibal was unable to seduce any women. We caught him canoodling with Batman (actually a female bear, despite what her name might imply) despite rules about interexpedition shennanigans of that nature. It was bad enough when he was just flirting with Blitz. Mark my words, this is going to become a problem if it continues as is. Speaking of which, I need to go check on the Crew Bear gals. I'll be turning the con over to Edison in the meantime:

[Notes from Edison:
What is the bear equivalent of manwhore? I don't know that it comes up all that often... I can't believe I actually typed that. Anyway: On to the sadistic, the surreal, and the stylish.
Sadistic goes to whoever set up Hooch Lake. Not only was that floating harridan a scary sight, (I actually refused to get out of the car when His Nickness went to take pictures, I am not making this up) but there was a whole town of store fronts in this fictitious town, each with a listed proprietor and such, all very 'tongue-in-cheek' on the surface, but rather more 'tongue-protruding-from-below-fixed-glare-of-psychopath' when you took it in as a whole. I won't even begin to describe the sights I saw from the car. Go yourself if you dare.
The surreal goes to the police officer who was talking about getting drunk and throwing up on himself in a loud Jeremiah-ish voice at the table behind us at dinner. Seriously, dude. (It would have gone to the gift/sex shop, but I think that was covered sufficiently: Gifts.. gifts... gifts.. porn.WHOA!)
The stylish goes to Christine, the counter girl at our hotel, dressed in a lovely ensemble that emphasized her elegance and professionalism. As opposed to her demeanor, which emphasized how much she did not care that we were there and very clearly said that she wanted us the hell away from her nice clean lobby. Bravo. So far we have met three female employees in North Dakota; one, at the movie theater, was very pleasant. The other two were surly bitches. Not a good ratio. We will be leaving this state quickly.
I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce some members of our expedition for those who aren't familiar with myself and the Nickness. I'm aware that we might have been better off doing this long before now. We are not conventional people. You will learn this if you haven't already.
First of all His Nickness and I (Edison) are the most mobile and conversational of the group.
In addition we have a number of less animate assistants. First of all is Hannibal, of the teddy bear persuasion. Also of the slightly loose morals persuasion.
Our navigator is Eloise, of the Garmin clan, who as we have discussed, may be trying to kill us.
Our faithful steed and watcher of our belongings is Corona, descendant of a long line of Hondas. She has been nothing but delightful and helpful in everything we do.
Tachikoma and Charybdis, iFolk of different families, provide us with tunes both soothing and humorous to keep us awake and on task. Tachikoma also takes calls for my associate.
Jameson (Mac-something or other, probably scottish) is our technical advisor and serves as the point of origin for these broadcasts.
Finally Blitz, Batman, and Paliachi, the Crew Bears, (of a strange mini-teddy bear variant) are along for the ride kind of like hoboes hitch on trains, but without the smell or the danger. They have been pleasant, if not very active, riding partners.

For now: "I've been trying for hours just to think of what exactly to say, I thought I'd leave you with a letter or fiery speech, Like when an actor makes an exit at the end of a play, Running silent and deep, And all the things that can never be said, Why don't you look at me and read 'em and weep, Come on and look at me and read 'em and weep." You said it, Barry.
Ka kite anoo, and tofa... Are we the dreamers, or the dream?]

Thank you, Edison, for that alarmingly clear and stable contribution. I'm sure our readers will thank you for the role call as well. The Crew Bears have settled in for the night, fair readers, and we should probably follow suit. Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

I bet you thought we were making this part up.

Thank you for tuning in! On our next episode: Vikings!; Unicorns?; New Mission Orders; Wrath Of The Gods Redux