A note concerning tangents: (XVII)

Current Location: Alton, IL (pop~ 29,200)

(N38°55.121, W090°09.842, elev: 546’)

Distance traveled leg 17:  72.7 miles

Total Distance traveled: 6048 miles

Expedition Outlook: child-like

Total number of hats included amongst Edison’s expedition gear: 9

Bonus Data: Number of hats acquire since expedition onset: 4

Greetings to you, fair readers, I am finally once again broadcasting from east of the Mississippi. I suppose this means we have officially returned to the east. Today was a good day. The past three days were faring poorly in the tall shadow cast by Arches National Park. A definite downward trend had started to develop, but no worries, readers dear, St. Louis has defeated this spiraling motion and sent us soaring once again into the stratosphere of wonder and delight.

The city itself possessed a fairly hybrid set of characteristics in regards to east vs. west. The bits of it we saw were clean and, like most urban areas, ranged from ramshackle to opulent. A noticeable amount of 1930’s Art Deco architecture, a style I’ve always been partial to, was in evidence. Everywhere we went people were not only friendly, but actively went out of their way to be helpful. I worry that our travels have spoiled us with smiling people (As well 75mph roads. Even Edison is feeling a bit of the ‘ol leadfoot). 

"How awesome is this?," you might ask. The answer: very.

Upon arriving in the city we snagged some victuals at the 12^th Street Diner and I was once again impressed that there are short order cooks that actually know how to create a better than adequate meal. We next set off for our first destination, City Museum, a location that was effectively drawn out of a hat. We must either be children or idiots (or some combination thereof), because once again fortune smiled upon us. The description we had read did not prepare us for the sight that greeted our arrival: It looked like someone built the coolest fort ever out of a junkyard. There were planes, actual airplanes, with great steel lattices connecting them to crenellated towers. There was a fire truck mounted on a terrace extending from a tree fort. There was even a giant ball pit. And all of this was before we even got in the door.

Understand that everything you see here is hollow and full of children.

The interior of the building, if anything, ramped things up another notch. Everything was covered in vibrant mosaics or interesting patterns of stuff (a whole wall covered in old printing plates, for example), or just sculpture. The first floor was a M.C. Escher like tangle of corridors, bridges, ladders, and tunnels, all sculpted out of fantastic shapes and designs; sea creatures, trees, forests, and caves all seamlessly blended into pure wonder. And you could climb, crawl, or slide along all of it. There were tunnels extending through the ceiling. Most of these spaces were so small that only children could fit through them, and believe me, there were children everywhere; coming out of the floor, the walls, scuttling along the tubes in the ceiling. I was jealous that I could not tread the same places they did. The second floor contained a more subdued set of physical engagement as well as some actual exhibits and an aquarium. There was another whole playground area on the roof that we very regrettably were unable to see because the museum closed much earlier than anticipated. What really engaged me about the City Museum was its demeanor. Most museums are all about the look but don’t touch; keep off. But City Museum not only said climb on, but it dared you as well. For the third time this trip, I hope that our photos and words will convey more than a mere splinter of the magic of this place to you, cherished readers.

Simple. Elegant. Majestic.

Heavily invigorated despite not being able to see the roof area, we headed to the Gateway Arch located in the Jefferson Westward Expansion Memorial, which itself is a national park. It is planted square on the banks of the Mississippi River and was built around the concept of honoring Thomas Jefferson’s vision and insight in acquiring the Louisiana Purchase and opening up the western frontier of the continent to our fledgling nation, as well as the history of our country’s expansion to the Pacific coast. The centerpiece is the 630 foot Gateway Arch. Built from concrete and steel, the Gateway Arch is the tallest monument in the United States, and is a feat of impressive engineering. Plus it looks cool as all get out. Much more impressive than Rushmore, I feel. Not much more to report after that. We took a late meal and then took off for Illinois.

Om nom nom nom.

Expedition members were in considerable good spirits today. Hannibal in particular was exceptionally rambunctious. In addition to charming ladies (and some wildlife) all over the city, our irrepressible ursine companion got himself into all sorts of mischief. Trying to keep tabs on him in City Museum, with its small spaces and maze-like construction proved to be an absolute nightmare. We weren’t in the building for more than fifteen minutes when the excursion team had to rescue him from a shark. (Edison was forced to wrestle it into submission). 

You'd think he'd have learned his lesson from the shark.

Later on in the day, after disappearing for over an hour, we finally caught sight of him in the clutches of a giant mechanical eagle. I was able to blind the beast with a laser pointer, which had the desired effect of causing it to drop Hannibal and the unintended effect of causing it to chase me under an aquarium exhibit. I was able to escape by crawling out through one of the museum’s prevalent crawlspaces. 

International incident in 3,2,1...

You’d think antagonizing animals would be enough for him, but no. We also found him sparring with a sumo wrestler. It took some prodigious prying to get the two separated, as well as some eyelash batting on Edison’s part (I think the wrestler fancied him). At this point we tried to give him a stern talking to, but it was too late, and our admonitions fell on deaf ears. 

We're not sure how he was planning to operate the pedals.

You see, he had found some hooch somewhere and was an incredible 28 sheets to the wind. Despite considerable issues with remaining upright he managed to slip off again while were in the bathroom. He fortunately spent the majority of his drunk trying to operate the non-functional machinery in the outdoor exploration space. We found him passed out on the steering wheel of the fire truck. Headache though it was, it’s nice to see that he’s kicked the mopey mood he’s been displaying since the Black Hills.

He always looks so smug.

Before I let Edison have a go, I’d like to set aside some broadcast time to extend an extra special thanks to the lovely Heidi for putting up with both Hannibal and our odd requests. We really do appreciate it. I’d also like to thank the super awesome Brandie, once again for putting up with Hannibal, but more importantly for being a kind and cheery spirit six hundred and thirty feet over St. Louis. On her advice we selected our Alton as our ending destination and we’ll be checking out some recommended attractions and cuisine on the morrow as well. If they are even half as pleasant as the woman who suggested them then it will be time well spent.

The photo poorly captures the high levels of both awesome and groove present here.

Now, for your reading pleasure, the significantly less lovely, Edison!

[Notes from Edison:

After that introduction I feel like this will all be a horrible let-down, but I will bravely soldier on. As usual.

There is a movie trope that I believe may both apply and not apply here, called ‘Jumping the Shark’. In a very literal sense it is true for us, but I feel that if you then wrestle the shark to the ground and bludgeon it senseless than you have, in effect, defeated the trope and are free of its defining influence. If not than we might as well quit, because we have also jumped the Giant Eagle, the African Caiman, the Skeletonized Undead Magical Leopluridon, the 1920’s Ford Fire Engine, and the Coin-Operated Coke Bottle Dispenser. Today was very adventurous.

Okay, for those of you who have children, may soon have children, are considering having children sometime in the far distant future, or who simply feel fairly childlike and don’t mind looking like a total ass, you NEED to go to the City Museum in St. Louis. It is seriously the best kid place ever. I so wish there was something like it when I was growing up. Like woah. I actually climbed through little tiny tunnels and wire-frame tubes hanging way up in the sky, without considering what might happen if all of the engineering involved suddenly failed. And I loved it. Me, paranoid guy. Like… woah.

The Arch. Was very cool. I was mucho impressed, and I’m glad we took the time to go up inside it. And after our morning, I didn’t even worry much about the engineering there either. Of course, it helped that the arch typically sways about a half-inch over the course of a normal day. The most it has moved was about 4 inches, when a freaking tornado hit it. The structure was designed to move up to eighteen inches (9 in either direction) in 150-mile-an-hour winds. Like, you know, a Category 5 Hurricane. So, not much to worry about there since it was balmy and muggy and less than windy. By the way, GROSS and muggy, but that’s a different story.

Two quotes from Teddy: “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.”

“When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’”

And one particularly appropriate one from James Madison, another McSmartypants: “Let me recommend the best medicine in the world: a long journey, at a mild season, through a pleasant country, in easy stages.”

Hear, hear.

Love and Peace, and give each other a big old hug for me. Salani kahle and zayt gezunt! We have jumped the Sharks AND the Jets!]

In the time it took Edison to compose that, I think my brain has gone sour. It may have something to do with the hour, which is either ridiculously late or ludicrously early, depending on where you would care to view it from. May your days be as full as ours and your company as rich. Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

Look neat at all hours, unlike some other monuments we might care to name.

Thank you for tuning in! On our next episode: Myth Bird Flies!, A Slab Of Your Finest Beast, Sir; You Could Cut A Car In Half With Water Moving At That Speed, The Countdown Begins