A note concerning tangents: (XIV)

Current Location: Keystone, SD (pop. ~300)

(N43°53.667, W103°25.358, elev: 5398 feet)

Distance traveled this leg: 430.4 miles

Total Distance traveled: 4842.7 miles

Expedition Outlook: Underwhelmed

Nearest Address(according to Eloise): 405 Holy Terror Trail

Greetings from South Dakota! I know how it might seem, but the root is not as circuitous as you might think. We’re in the south western corner of the state, effectively just over the border with both Nebraska and Montana, in the Black Hills region, which we plan on exploring a bit of tomorrow.

This is precisely what it looks like.

Denver by day is a fairly typical sprawling western city. Cars are more prevalent as the main means of getting around is by swarming all over raised highways to get hither and to (as opposed to your New York or Boston or, as we discovered, Chicago) where auto travel on the streets moves at the speed of continental drift and foot and mass transit are for more the norm. From our narrow point of view, Denver seemed smaller than SLC, and under significantly more construction. What was built seemed well kept and clean though and the roads were nice. After a brief detour to check out some local Big People, we set our crosshairs on Alliance, Nebraska.

So contrary to sentiments expressed in yesterday’s broadcast, Colorado actually only spent half of its surplus budget on mountains. It apparently didn’t want to feel left out what with all of the extra sky that the nearby states like Nebraska and Utah were purchasing, so it got in on that action on the ground floor and decided to store it all on the eastern side of the state. I’m not sure why it felt the need to put up the mountains between itself and Utah, Utah seemed like a pretty reasonable place. I’d get it if it was Idaho, but Colorado has a blissful one state buffer to protect it. I’ll chalk it down as a mystery of the Primal World. I guess I wouldn’t really be me if I didn’t hazard at least one reasonable theory so here we go: All of the western states were hanging out the geography shop, shooting the breeze, maybe ogling and waggling eye brows at some of the southern states from across the aisle, when word gets out that Idaho is settling down in the northwest. Bam, next thing you know everyone is buying mountains and throwing them up willy nilly like the arms of a nerdy kid alone in a dodgeball circle. I know I felt better once I had the Rockies between me and Idaho.

Try and imagine driving through this for hours.

But I digress, let’s get back on track with Nebraska: Fields and farms, with a slightly more green and slightly less beef than South Dakota; Buckets of sky, and, at least for the duration of our trip through, piles of weather. We drove around these two oddly dancing storm fronts pretty much for our entire drive, and only got rained on briefly. We could see downpours in the distance on either side of us. We could see lighting and other nonsense. We actually got to a portion of sky where there were clouds under other clouds. And to be clear, what I mean that was a huge thick ceiling of cloud way up high blotting out the sun, and then under that, where you would normally expect to see clouds, were, well, clouds. In the shade. It was very surreal.

This, to me, is America in action.

And speaking of surreal, we have our only stop in NE: Alliance and Carhenge. In case you were not aware, Carhenge was the first and essentially only destination we had in mind before actually getting in the car. It has the distinction of being one of two locations that catalyzed me into wanting to take this trip (the other is a statue of Vulcan in Alabama which I will get around to seeing once I put together a trip through the south). It was everything I expected it to be and that was very satisfying. Take Stonehenge, the one in England. Map it out in a field in Nebraska, except wherever there should be a huge chunk of prehistoric stone there is instead a junked automobile spray-painted battleship gray. While not a site of ancient primal power, that field in Alliance definitely has its own ‘woog’ factor. Especially with all of the bizarre weather occurring around it.

After sating ourselves on woog, we boarded Corona and began the journey north to the Black Hills. Once again, Edison earned the god’s ire and a thick blanket of clouds trailed us, spitting like an irate camel the whole way. The major impact of this was not the road conditions, but rather that Eloise could not link up with her orbital mothership and was totally lost and disoriented. For the first time on the expedition we were reduced to analog navigation (as Tachikoma was also having reception issues). In an unexpected turn of events, Paliachi joined Edison at the nav station and we were able to make it to Keystone with little difficulty.

Those are the culprits in the back, behind all of the flags.

Having heard rumors of Rushmore being illuminated at night, we decided to make our way to the mountain and see what there was to see while we had the opportunity to do so in the dark. We arrived partially through the pre-illumination ‘program’ which seemed to be a brief history of the monument and the accomplishments of the president’s memorialized there (Taft, Van Buren, Adams, and Garfield. Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge. I’ve also got a bridge to sell you…). After the ‘show’ they have a woman come out and sing our national anthem (which I maintain is not nearly as interesting and/or catchy as some of the other anthems out there) while they kick on some flood lights to brighten up those might president’s of old. I’m going to be honest with you, I was not impressed. I was expecting something with a little grandeur. When the lights came on I thought it was a replica because they couldn’t reasonably light the whole thing. I was incorrect. Edison shared a similar belief. We’re hoping that with the daylight on and some other background bits to provide context, it will seem more impressive. Apparently the heads are sixty feet tall, but that sense of scale wasn’t really conveyed at the night time viewing. We’ll have more to report on that tomorrow.

Who is more adorable here? I sure don't know.

Edison is practically frothing at the ears, but before I let him loose on Jameson I would like to reiterate our thanks to the magnanimous, benevolent, and compassionate Paige for putting the expedition up for the night. By the way, Hannibal thinks you’re a cutie. And now ladies and gentleman, please put on your eye and ear protection, because here’s Edison:

[Notes from Edison: No more eponymous food for me. Taco John’s was tasty but sat in my stomach like a brick. Done.

It’s kind of bittersweet knowing that we’re heading home, that we’ve hit our furthest west of the trip, and probably our highest elevation. We’ve also hit all of the places we had talked about during trip planning. (well, briefly in the case of Rushmore, but more of that tomorrow) We’re not quite to the end of the show, but we are definitely past intermission. Of course, we could run into some crazy thing the day after tomorrow that turns out to be the single greatest highlight of the trip, but from my current vantage it seems unlikely. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, I’m just muttering on in my usual imprecise and disjointed fashion, but I thought it should be said. So there.

I wish more people could have experienced this with us. I mean, in more than just the reading of this blog. We do have much pictorial (you know, maybe 2000 plus pics when we’re done) and some physical evidence to present when we finally return, but it won’t be the same. Explaining the Whale, or the sunsets over the far horizon, or for god’s sake Frankenmuth, is just not possible. And we’re not even going to remember all of the crazy things we’ve seen, there’s been so much. Insane signs, deranged people, placid bovines and rampaging Big People are all a jumble in our heads already, and it can only get worse. (or better, in our way of thinking)

But having this experience, and trying our best to relate it, has been and will be great. I think what I’m trying to get across is that this trip is wholly worthwhile, and I highly recommend that you all get on the planning of your own as soon as possible. I realize that my and Nick’s unusual circumstances allow us to do this without as many problems as most of you might experience, but it doesn’t have to be the same sort of thing. I mean, in 14 days we have seen a ton of great places, but it doesn’t take much to go to Chicago for a couple days, or to Florida, or just to D.C. to meander through the capitol. Heck, come to New York, you can sleep on my couch. I have reliable reports that it’s comfortable.

Whatever your time constraints, whatever your budget, there’s going to be something that will give you the same sort of Wow adventure we’re trucking through right now.

Okay, I sound like a car salesman, I have to stop. And speaking of trucking, we have STILL not seen any hot female truckers. And let me tell you we have looked. All over this country, the nation’s trucks are operated by dudes. White dudes. Not even (in my admittedly not expert opinion) attractive white dudes. A lot of them are afflicted with the Grizzle. Many could stand a bit of a workout. Some could do with a little body-jumping or something, ‘cus those guys are waaaay gone. I think all total we have seen three (scaaaary) women, maybe as many as 10 minority folks of one type or another. That’s it. Out of approximately Eleventy Squintillion Billion trucks that we have passed. Just sayin’.

I would also like to point out that in the Droid version of Cribbage, the computer cheats its little silicon butt off. I don’t have any proof of this, but I will get it. And then someone (probably Bill Gates) will pay. Also, Robo Defense is the most addictive game ever. Why do you need to know this? You don’t. Ignore me. It’s the best defense. That offense thing is just for show.

And since we’re on the subject of driving and the supernatural, let me read to you this excerpt from the Book of deBurgh: “It was late at night on the open road, speeding like a man on the run. A lifetime spent preparing for the journey. He is closer now and the search is on, reading from a map in the mind. Yes there's a ragged hill, and there's the boat on the river. And when the rain came down he heard a wild dog howl, there were voices in the night – “Don't do it!”, voices out of sight – “Don't do it!” Too many men have failed before; whatever you do: Don't pay the ferryman!”

As always, my plucky little sidekicks, Love and Peace, and take care of each other out there. Ka tanga dia and kenavo. We watch the watchers!]

I’m sorry, folks, I stepped out of the room for a moment and came back to find him wailing away at the keyboard like a team of monkeys trying to recreate Hamlet. If only a banana would quell him as easily. I fear the combo of Mexican food and woog from Nebraska is what brought this state on, but it seems to have largely quit his system. He has settled into a twitchy sleep and Hannibal has been able to relent on maintaining his submission hold. In all seriousness though, there are large kernels of truth at the core of Edison's rant. Particularly the bits about journeys (also truckers, which he was strangely lucid about). Having been on the road for fourteen days, I can't imagine having passed by this opportunity. We've been to some awe inspiring destinations, but the expedition itself is what is igniting the fires in our brains (also John's Tacos, in Edison's case, albeit not the good kind of fire and not just in his head, fate help us). Whether you gather a boon team like Xuanzhang, or you just get some drugs and go Kerouac style, get out there if you can see what this country of ours has to offer. Too quick are we to rush off foreign lands, I think. Trust me, you go even 1,000 mile from home and it feels like an altogether new country. I will forever more be an advocate for this sort of thing. OK, done belaboring the point for now. We've fortified for the night and  now that all of the hatches are battened as it were, I too am off to dreamland. Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

Thank you for tuning in! On our next episode: The Hills Are Black History!; Aren't You A Little Short To Be A National Monument?; It's A Good Thing His Head Is Attached As Firmly As It Is; Back To The Future: We Begin Our Return To The East!