A note concerning tangents: (XVII)

Current Location: Alton, IL (pop~ 29,200)

(N38°55.121, W090°09.842, elev: 546’)

Distance traveled leg 17:  72.7 miles

Total Distance traveled: 6048 miles

Expedition Outlook: child-like

Total number of hats included amongst Edison’s expedition gear: 9

Bonus Data: Number of hats acquire since expedition onset: 4

Greetings to you, fair readers, I am finally once again broadcasting from east of the Mississippi. I suppose this means we have officially returned to the east. Today was a good day. The past three days were faring poorly in the tall shadow cast by Arches National Park. A definite downward trend had started to develop, but no worries, readers dear, St. Louis has defeated this spiraling motion and sent us soaring once again into the stratosphere of wonder and delight.

The city itself possessed a fairly hybrid set of characteristics in regards to east vs. west. The bits of it we saw were clean and, like most urban areas, ranged from ramshackle to opulent. A noticeable amount of 1930’s Art Deco architecture, a style I’ve always been partial to, was in evidence. Everywhere we went people were not only friendly, but actively went out of their way to be helpful. I worry that our travels have spoiled us with smiling people (As well 75mph roads. Even Edison is feeling a bit of the ‘ol leadfoot). 

"How awesome is this?," you might ask. The answer: very.

Upon arriving in the city we snagged some victuals at the 12^th Street Diner and I was once again impressed that there are short order cooks that actually know how to create a better than adequate meal. We next set off for our first destination, City Museum, a location that was effectively drawn out of a hat. We must either be children or idiots (or some combination thereof), because once again fortune smiled upon us. The description we had read did not prepare us for the sight that greeted our arrival: It looked like someone built the coolest fort ever out of a junkyard. There were planes, actual airplanes, with great steel lattices connecting them to crenellated towers. There was a fire truck mounted on a terrace extending from a tree fort. There was even a giant ball pit. And all of this was before we even got in the door.

Understand that everything you see here is hollow and full of children.

The interior of the building, if anything, ramped things up another notch. Everything was covered in vibrant mosaics or interesting patterns of stuff (a whole wall covered in old printing plates, for example), or just sculpture. The first floor was a M.C. Escher like tangle of corridors, bridges, ladders, and tunnels, all sculpted out of fantastic shapes and designs; sea creatures, trees, forests, and caves all seamlessly blended into pure wonder. And you could climb, crawl, or slide along all of it. There were tunnels extending through the ceiling. Most of these spaces were so small that only children could fit through them, and believe me, there were children everywhere; coming out of the floor, the walls, scuttling along the tubes in the ceiling. I was jealous that I could not tread the same places they did. The second floor contained a more subdued set of physical engagement as well as some actual exhibits and an aquarium. There was another whole playground area on the roof that we very regrettably were unable to see because the museum closed much earlier than anticipated. What really engaged me about the City Museum was its demeanor. Most museums are all about the look but don’t touch; keep off. But City Museum not only said climb on, but it dared you as well. For the third time this trip, I hope that our photos and words will convey more than a mere splinter of the magic of this place to you, cherished readers.

Simple. Elegant. Majestic.

Heavily invigorated despite not being able to see the roof area, we headed to the Gateway Arch located in the Jefferson Westward Expansion Memorial, which itself is a national park. It is planted square on the banks of the Mississippi River and was built around the concept of honoring Thomas Jefferson’s vision and insight in acquiring the Louisiana Purchase and opening up the western frontier of the continent to our fledgling nation, as well as the history of our country’s expansion to the Pacific coast. The centerpiece is the 630 foot Gateway Arch. Built from concrete and steel, the Gateway Arch is the tallest monument in the United States, and is a feat of impressive engineering. Plus it looks cool as all get out. Much more impressive than Rushmore, I feel. Not much more to report after that. We took a late meal and then took off for Illinois.

Om nom nom nom.

Expedition members were in considerable good spirits today. Hannibal in particular was exceptionally rambunctious. In addition to charming ladies (and some wildlife) all over the city, our irrepressible ursine companion got himself into all sorts of mischief. Trying to keep tabs on him in City Museum, with its small spaces and maze-like construction proved to be an absolute nightmare. We weren’t in the building for more than fifteen minutes when the excursion team had to rescue him from a shark. (Edison was forced to wrestle it into submission). 

You'd think he'd have learned his lesson from the shark.

Later on in the day, after disappearing for over an hour, we finally caught sight of him in the clutches of a giant mechanical eagle. I was able to blind the beast with a laser pointer, which had the desired effect of causing it to drop Hannibal and the unintended effect of causing it to chase me under an aquarium exhibit. I was able to escape by crawling out through one of the museum’s prevalent crawlspaces. 

International incident in 3,2,1...

You’d think antagonizing animals would be enough for him, but no. We also found him sparring with a sumo wrestler. It took some prodigious prying to get the two separated, as well as some eyelash batting on Edison’s part (I think the wrestler fancied him). At this point we tried to give him a stern talking to, but it was too late, and our admonitions fell on deaf ears. 

We're not sure how he was planning to operate the pedals.

You see, he had found some hooch somewhere and was an incredible 28 sheets to the wind. Despite considerable issues with remaining upright he managed to slip off again while were in the bathroom. He fortunately spent the majority of his drunk trying to operate the non-functional machinery in the outdoor exploration space. We found him passed out on the steering wheel of the fire truck. Headache though it was, it’s nice to see that he’s kicked the mopey mood he’s been displaying since the Black Hills.

He always looks so smug.

Before I let Edison have a go, I’d like to set aside some broadcast time to extend an extra special thanks to the lovely Heidi for putting up with both Hannibal and our odd requests. We really do appreciate it. I’d also like to thank the super awesome Brandie, once again for putting up with Hannibal, but more importantly for being a kind and cheery spirit six hundred and thirty feet over St. Louis. On her advice we selected our Alton as our ending destination and we’ll be checking out some recommended attractions and cuisine on the morrow as well. If they are even half as pleasant as the woman who suggested them then it will be time well spent.

The photo poorly captures the high levels of both awesome and groove present here.

Now, for your reading pleasure, the significantly less lovely, Edison!

[Notes from Edison:

After that introduction I feel like this will all be a horrible let-down, but I will bravely soldier on. As usual.

There is a movie trope that I believe may both apply and not apply here, called ‘Jumping the Shark’. In a very literal sense it is true for us, but I feel that if you then wrestle the shark to the ground and bludgeon it senseless than you have, in effect, defeated the trope and are free of its defining influence. If not than we might as well quit, because we have also jumped the Giant Eagle, the African Caiman, the Skeletonized Undead Magical Leopluridon, the 1920’s Ford Fire Engine, and the Coin-Operated Coke Bottle Dispenser. Today was very adventurous.

Okay, for those of you who have children, may soon have children, are considering having children sometime in the far distant future, or who simply feel fairly childlike and don’t mind looking like a total ass, you NEED to go to the City Museum in St. Louis. It is seriously the best kid place ever. I so wish there was something like it when I was growing up. Like woah. I actually climbed through little tiny tunnels and wire-frame tubes hanging way up in the sky, without considering what might happen if all of the engineering involved suddenly failed. And I loved it. Me, paranoid guy. Like… woah.

The Arch. Was very cool. I was mucho impressed, and I’m glad we took the time to go up inside it. And after our morning, I didn’t even worry much about the engineering there either. Of course, it helped that the arch typically sways about a half-inch over the course of a normal day. The most it has moved was about 4 inches, when a freaking tornado hit it. The structure was designed to move up to eighteen inches (9 in either direction) in 150-mile-an-hour winds. Like, you know, a Category 5 Hurricane. So, not much to worry about there since it was balmy and muggy and less than windy. By the way, GROSS and muggy, but that’s a different story.

Two quotes from Teddy: “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.”

“When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’”

And one particularly appropriate one from James Madison, another McSmartypants: “Let me recommend the best medicine in the world: a long journey, at a mild season, through a pleasant country, in easy stages.”

Hear, hear.

Love and Peace, and give each other a big old hug for me. Salani kahle and zayt gezunt! We have jumped the Sharks AND the Jets!]

In the time it took Edison to compose that, I think my brain has gone sour. It may have something to do with the hour, which is either ridiculously late or ludicrously early, depending on where you would care to view it from. May your days be as full as ours and your company as rich. Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

Look neat at all hours, unlike some other monuments we might care to name.

Thank you for tuning in! On our next episode: Myth Bird Flies!, A Slab Of Your Finest Beast, Sir; You Could Cut A Car In Half With Water Moving At That Speed, The Countdown Begins

A note concerning tangents: (XVI)

Current Location: Foristell, MO

(N38°49.10’, W090°54.27’)

Distance traveled leg 16: 778.0 miles

Total Distance traveled: 5975.3 miles

Expedition Outlook: We are the Walrus

Number of times Edison has made a joke and laughed himself to shortness of breath: At least a half dozen.

*Bonus Data*Number of times ANY member of the expedition also laughed: No more than twice.

Sadly, we never did get to visit Hannibal (actually the town Samuel Clemens grew up in)

Well, dedicated readers, we unintentionally beat our distance record by over 100 miles today. Because of our rest stop antic of the previous evening, we were on the road again by probably 8 and frankly we just kept driving. Eloise charted a course that took us through SD into IO, down through NE, back into IO and finally into MO. We didn’t really stop save for refuels until MO and even then that was a brief excursion. As a result we are ahead of schedule and have bought ourselves a bit more wiggle room for our return east.

The Room (please waggle your fingers spookily when you read the caption)

Our one stop was in St. Joseph, MO, formerly one of the terminus points for the Pony Express as well as the home of the notorious bandit Jesse James. Though we surged across the land with mighty speed, we were only able to briefly sample St. Joseph’s attractions before they closed. We settled on the house of Jesse James. Not a bad place to get out and stretch the legs, learned some about the man and all the craziness surrounding his death. Would have been neat to see the Pony Express stuff and the military museum, but everything in St. Joseph’s was icing, as it were, and not worth delaying for. If Chicago is any indicator, having a full day for St. Louis will serve us well, and will almost certainly deliver a higher yield than St. Joseph’s would have.

Spirits are bright despite the marathon run, and the party is looking forward to seeing St. Louis tomorrow.

Can't really blame them.

Hannibal had a long soak in the hot tub followed by a nap. The Crew Bears took this as an open invitation to prank Hannibal and it was only by pure chance that I was able to catch them before they commenced with their vandalism operation.

Eloise is still recovering from whatever forces had her so confused in the Black Hills. She suffered several bouts of disorientation throughout most of the day until we got to MO. Her power supply is also still acting pretty dodgey. I believe that these handicaps are the only things that have prevented her from outright destroying us. We’ll have to see how she fares tomorrow.

I have come to suspect that Edison needs to engage in some sort of maintenance or ritual practice to keep himself from sublimating into a snarl of chaotic energy. I think the trip prevents him from completing that ritual or distances him from some point of power that he needs visit.  As the days have accrued his ability to maintain a façade of sanity has waned. His coherency seems to hit a nadir whenever we’re in Corona and he doesn’t even have to try to keep it together. As I am largely protected from Edison’s powers and abilities, I am more intrigued than concerned about his condition. Will he become totally unhinged before we get to New Jersey or will critical mass be delayed until Pennsic? My curiosity has been engaged and I’m not so certain I would intervene even if there was something I could do.

Edison, is there any insight that you would like to offer about this or anything else?

[Notes from Edison: Me? Why, I am perfectly fine, sir. I have no idea what state you may be referring to. *twitch*

Speaking of Jesse James, one of my ancestors on the Cassell branch was supposed to have ridden with Quantrill's Raiders and was fleeing the tax men with Jesse and Frank and the Youngers when he was shot from behind and subsequently trampled. I believe his name was Frank, and he used the easier version of the family name, Castle. And yes, I know that's the name of the Punisher from Marvel comics. Regardless.

Not much else to report today. I slept poorly over the last day and a half and was constantly slipping in and out of sleep when Nick was driving, I'm going to try and make sure I'm more alert tomorrow. Let me leave you with two quotes from Thomas Jefferson, one of the smartest guys ever. First on government:"I know of no safe depository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them but to inform their discretion." Second, on his own life: "I was bold in the pursuit of knowledge, never fearing to follow truth and reason to whatever results they led, and bearding every authority which stood in their way."

You could have a hell of a worse epitaph.

Love and Peace, and take care of each other out there. Farvel and amayugotoro! Today you can win!]

I think if you were to combine all of the members of the expedition into one gestalt being you'd have a creature with something approximating normal sleep habits (not to mention one handsome devil). In typical expedition fashion (We've noticed that we are always going against the flow of traffic and doing everything backwards), we will be entering the Gateway to the West, from the west. For now though, to sleep. Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

Thanks for tuning in! Don't forget, the full broadcast for Leg XV was broadcast just before this on. On tomorrow's episode: What's With All The Saints Around Here?; Who Knew Missouri Was All Up In The Business of The Civil War?; Mississippi River: Round 2; The Alpha Of The Omega

A note concerning tangents: (XV)

Current Location: Chamberlain, SD

(coordinates unavailable)

Distance traveled leg 14: 354.6miles

Total Distance traveled: 5197.3miles

Expedition Outlook: Circling like a dog about to go to sleep

Worst President Ever: Warren G. Harding

For the sake of completeness I’ll write up leg 14 as its own entry. As previously indicated, we didn’t get a chance to broadcast since we pulled a bit of a night drive and crashed in Corona at a rest stop for a few hours before moving on. So without further ado, the Black Hills:

Keystone by night.

We had high hopes for the Black Hills and South Dakota. Many people we spoke to recommended them over the Bad Lands and North Dakota. Without speaking for my companions, I can say that I preferred the Bad Lands. I thought the country was a little more beautiful and it was definitely less commercialized. There was certainly more to do in the Black Hills, but the bulk of it was kitsch and glitz and tourist trap sort of things. We did not get an opportunity to do more than drive through one of the national park grounds, so I can’t speak on the hiking aspects of the region.

Don't judge us.

Our first excursion was into Keystone, the town closest to Rushmore. Like many towns in the Hills it was a gold boomtown. It’s official population is listed at just over 300 and there are probably five times that many in transients at any given point. The party browsed the shops, which while similar to what Moab had to offer were in general less tasteful and engaging. It was a cute town, but the large press of people and our own time constraints prevented us from making the best we could of it. 

In order:P. McCartney, R. Starr, J. Lenon, G. Harrison.

Afterwards we went to Rushmore again, and in the daylight it did seem more grand, but I was not as impressed as I thought I’d be when we were still discussing the visit in potentia. I found the memorial grounds and museums to be more engaging than staring at the mountain, and they were informative and well put together. Of note was the uncompleted Hall of Records. Did you know that there is a valley behind the heads? In that valley Gustov Borglum, the sculptor, began to excavate a massive chamber that he would use to house records of the monument’s constructive, the stories of the men memorialized, as well as important documents, histories, and other information of significance to the United States. The erosion rate of granite on Rushmore is one inch every ten thousand years. Borglum felt is was important that if the monument was discovered long after our civilization was dust that whoever found it should know why it was there. He didn’t get very far before Congress shut him down and told him he could only work on the statue. Since Borglum died and the money ran out before he even completed his plan for the presidents, the Hall languished until the late nineties when his children tried to complete the project. Unable to raise enough funds, they settled for sinking a time capsule with copies of some important US documents, info about Borglum and the presidents depicted, and documents detailing how and why the monument was built. This area is inaccessible to the public and can’t be seen except from the air. I think its unknown qualities are what appeal to me most.

I'm sorry, but this is right on the border of Big People.

After Rushmore we hit up the Presidential Wax Museum. It was a neat place. I learned some stuff about presidents I had likely only ever heard of back in grade school when we needed to learn who they were. The sculptures were a mix of uncannily realistic (Teddy Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower) to unsettlingly creepy (Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter). Most of them were set up in dioramas. Overall the experience was an unexpected treat.

We followed up by driving through Hills, briefly hitting Rapids City, taking a brief stop to visit an underground waterfall, and then moving on to the infamous Deadwood. By the time we got there all of the historical bits were closed, so we missed out on the street shows and seeing the Boot Hill cemetery (where folks like Bill Hickock and Calamity Jane were laid to rest). As it turns out, casinos are very big in Deadwood, to the point where to get to most of the shops and restaurants you have to walk through a casino first . We trotted around town, soaking in the atmosphere, before selecting a restaurant at random and grabbing a bite to eat. Once we were done, it was back to the road with us.

Deadwood, also by night.

Overall the Black Hills were fun, but not as fun as expected. I would be curious to go back and poke over some of the areas of Deadwood that were closed, and even more curious to hike around some of the national park cave systems. Maybe next time.

Edison, anything to add?

[Notes from Edison

 It was nice to see the flags for all of the American Territories represented alongside the states, and I did feel a twinge of national pride looking at the Faces on the mountain. Also, I found many of the words of the (early) presidents very inspiring, and plan to look into quotes by especially Jefferson and Roosevelt when I get the chance. Great words by great men, and not duplicated in our time, in my opinion mostly because the cheating scum don't write their own speeches. Yes, I'm biased.

 The crass commercialism of the whole area left me cold. They could have done so much better, and they didn't even try. The best time I had on this leg was walking into the Thunderhead Falls mine site, an old gold mine that was abandoned when blasting released a waterfall into the mine, which still runs out today. Keep in mind that this is a 600-foot shaft in solid granite, blasted by digging holes with hand tools and then packing it with black powder, since trinitrotoluene still hadn't been invented. Amazing. Also, the kid who did the talk at the Rushmore workshop was really good, and had everyone involved and interested. Kudos. 

Also, the people at the hotel totally rooked us. And I, right now, psychically punch them in a sensitive place. 

On a more zen note, I give you a familiar quote for many of us from my personal favorite president, Teddy Roosevelt: "Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs; even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much, nor suffer much; for they live (not dwell, Kil) in the grey twilight that knows not victory, nor defeat."

Love and Peace, and take an extra moment to appreciate each other out there. Ciao and veloma! We're the ones who make it better!]

Thunderhead falls was indeed very nifty. Wonderland Cave, on the other hand, can eat a big bag of d... Hrmm, I suppose I'll leash my tongue on the behalf of our gentler readers. Suffice to say Wonderland Cave is getting put up against the wall (along with Idaho) when the revolution comes. The past though, is the past (unless it comes back as a zombie), dwelling is a verb best used with houses and we explorers must remain ever bright and ever moving (because if you look down, you'll realize the cliff ended 30 yards ago). Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

Thank you for tuning in! On our next episode: Well You Can Just Read About It Right Now, Can't You? Get On With It Then.

A note concerning tangents: Tachikoma 1

Cherished readers, the expedition would like to apologize for its lack of broadcast. The majority of our technology ceased to funtion from the heart of the Black Hills. We're presently on the move to St. Louis and logistically(and tactically to put extra disrance between would be pursuers that know our patterns) it made better sense to keep on the move for as long as possible and then snag some sleep at a rest station. Our tech is now once again available to us, though the lack of proper facilities means no true Internet, so I'm ury rigging this broadcast through Tachikoma's satellite network. Once we regain access for what passes for civilization we'll provide a full recounting of yesterday's excursion. We appreciate your patience in this matter. Thank you, America. Nickness out.

A note concerning tangents: (XIV)

Current Location: Keystone, SD (pop. ~300)

(N43°53.667, W103°25.358, elev: 5398 feet)

Distance traveled this leg: 430.4 miles

Total Distance traveled: 4842.7 miles

Expedition Outlook: Underwhelmed

Nearest Address(according to Eloise): 405 Holy Terror Trail

Greetings from South Dakota! I know how it might seem, but the root is not as circuitous as you might think. We’re in the south western corner of the state, effectively just over the border with both Nebraska and Montana, in the Black Hills region, which we plan on exploring a bit of tomorrow.

This is precisely what it looks like.

Denver by day is a fairly typical sprawling western city. Cars are more prevalent as the main means of getting around is by swarming all over raised highways to get hither and to (as opposed to your New York or Boston or, as we discovered, Chicago) where auto travel on the streets moves at the speed of continental drift and foot and mass transit are for more the norm. From our narrow point of view, Denver seemed smaller than SLC, and under significantly more construction. What was built seemed well kept and clean though and the roads were nice. After a brief detour to check out some local Big People, we set our crosshairs on Alliance, Nebraska.

So contrary to sentiments expressed in yesterday’s broadcast, Colorado actually only spent half of its surplus budget on mountains. It apparently didn’t want to feel left out what with all of the extra sky that the nearby states like Nebraska and Utah were purchasing, so it got in on that action on the ground floor and decided to store it all on the eastern side of the state. I’m not sure why it felt the need to put up the mountains between itself and Utah, Utah seemed like a pretty reasonable place. I’d get it if it was Idaho, but Colorado has a blissful one state buffer to protect it. I’ll chalk it down as a mystery of the Primal World. I guess I wouldn’t really be me if I didn’t hazard at least one reasonable theory so here we go: All of the western states were hanging out the geography shop, shooting the breeze, maybe ogling and waggling eye brows at some of the southern states from across the aisle, when word gets out that Idaho is settling down in the northwest. Bam, next thing you know everyone is buying mountains and throwing them up willy nilly like the arms of a nerdy kid alone in a dodgeball circle. I know I felt better once I had the Rockies between me and Idaho.

Try and imagine driving through this for hours.

But I digress, let’s get back on track with Nebraska: Fields and farms, with a slightly more green and slightly less beef than South Dakota; Buckets of sky, and, at least for the duration of our trip through, piles of weather. We drove around these two oddly dancing storm fronts pretty much for our entire drive, and only got rained on briefly. We could see downpours in the distance on either side of us. We could see lighting and other nonsense. We actually got to a portion of sky where there were clouds under other clouds. And to be clear, what I mean that was a huge thick ceiling of cloud way up high blotting out the sun, and then under that, where you would normally expect to see clouds, were, well, clouds. In the shade. It was very surreal.

This, to me, is America in action.

And speaking of surreal, we have our only stop in NE: Alliance and Carhenge. In case you were not aware, Carhenge was the first and essentially only destination we had in mind before actually getting in the car. It has the distinction of being one of two locations that catalyzed me into wanting to take this trip (the other is a statue of Vulcan in Alabama which I will get around to seeing once I put together a trip through the south). It was everything I expected it to be and that was very satisfying. Take Stonehenge, the one in England. Map it out in a field in Nebraska, except wherever there should be a huge chunk of prehistoric stone there is instead a junked automobile spray-painted battleship gray. While not a site of ancient primal power, that field in Alliance definitely has its own ‘woog’ factor. Especially with all of the bizarre weather occurring around it.

After sating ourselves on woog, we boarded Corona and began the journey north to the Black Hills. Once again, Edison earned the god’s ire and a thick blanket of clouds trailed us, spitting like an irate camel the whole way. The major impact of this was not the road conditions, but rather that Eloise could not link up with her orbital mothership and was totally lost and disoriented. For the first time on the expedition we were reduced to analog navigation (as Tachikoma was also having reception issues). In an unexpected turn of events, Paliachi joined Edison at the nav station and we were able to make it to Keystone with little difficulty.

Those are the culprits in the back, behind all of the flags.

Having heard rumors of Rushmore being illuminated at night, we decided to make our way to the mountain and see what there was to see while we had the opportunity to do so in the dark. We arrived partially through the pre-illumination ‘program’ which seemed to be a brief history of the monument and the accomplishments of the president’s memorialized there (Taft, Van Buren, Adams, and Garfield. Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge. I’ve also got a bridge to sell you…). After the ‘show’ they have a woman come out and sing our national anthem (which I maintain is not nearly as interesting and/or catchy as some of the other anthems out there) while they kick on some flood lights to brighten up those might president’s of old. I’m going to be honest with you, I was not impressed. I was expecting something with a little grandeur. When the lights came on I thought it was a replica because they couldn’t reasonably light the whole thing. I was incorrect. Edison shared a similar belief. We’re hoping that with the daylight on and some other background bits to provide context, it will seem more impressive. Apparently the heads are sixty feet tall, but that sense of scale wasn’t really conveyed at the night time viewing. We’ll have more to report on that tomorrow.

Who is more adorable here? I sure don't know.

Edison is practically frothing at the ears, but before I let him loose on Jameson I would like to reiterate our thanks to the magnanimous, benevolent, and compassionate Paige for putting the expedition up for the night. By the way, Hannibal thinks you’re a cutie. And now ladies and gentleman, please put on your eye and ear protection, because here’s Edison:

[Notes from Edison: No more eponymous food for me. Taco John’s was tasty but sat in my stomach like a brick. Done.

It’s kind of bittersweet knowing that we’re heading home, that we’ve hit our furthest west of the trip, and probably our highest elevation. We’ve also hit all of the places we had talked about during trip planning. (well, briefly in the case of Rushmore, but more of that tomorrow) We’re not quite to the end of the show, but we are definitely past intermission. Of course, we could run into some crazy thing the day after tomorrow that turns out to be the single greatest highlight of the trip, but from my current vantage it seems unlikely. I’m not sure where I’m going with this, I’m just muttering on in my usual imprecise and disjointed fashion, but I thought it should be said. So there.

I wish more people could have experienced this with us. I mean, in more than just the reading of this blog. We do have much pictorial (you know, maybe 2000 plus pics when we’re done) and some physical evidence to present when we finally return, but it won’t be the same. Explaining the Whale, or the sunsets over the far horizon, or for god’s sake Frankenmuth, is just not possible. And we’re not even going to remember all of the crazy things we’ve seen, there’s been so much. Insane signs, deranged people, placid bovines and rampaging Big People are all a jumble in our heads already, and it can only get worse. (or better, in our way of thinking)

But having this experience, and trying our best to relate it, has been and will be great. I think what I’m trying to get across is that this trip is wholly worthwhile, and I highly recommend that you all get on the planning of your own as soon as possible. I realize that my and Nick’s unusual circumstances allow us to do this without as many problems as most of you might experience, but it doesn’t have to be the same sort of thing. I mean, in 14 days we have seen a ton of great places, but it doesn’t take much to go to Chicago for a couple days, or to Florida, or just to D.C. to meander through the capitol. Heck, come to New York, you can sleep on my couch. I have reliable reports that it’s comfortable.

Whatever your time constraints, whatever your budget, there’s going to be something that will give you the same sort of Wow adventure we’re trucking through right now.

Okay, I sound like a car salesman, I have to stop. And speaking of trucking, we have STILL not seen any hot female truckers. And let me tell you we have looked. All over this country, the nation’s trucks are operated by dudes. White dudes. Not even (in my admittedly not expert opinion) attractive white dudes. A lot of them are afflicted with the Grizzle. Many could stand a bit of a workout. Some could do with a little body-jumping or something, ‘cus those guys are waaaay gone. I think all total we have seen three (scaaaary) women, maybe as many as 10 minority folks of one type or another. That’s it. Out of approximately Eleventy Squintillion Billion trucks that we have passed. Just sayin’.

I would also like to point out that in the Droid version of Cribbage, the computer cheats its little silicon butt off. I don’t have any proof of this, but I will get it. And then someone (probably Bill Gates) will pay. Also, Robo Defense is the most addictive game ever. Why do you need to know this? You don’t. Ignore me. It’s the best defense. That offense thing is just for show.

And since we’re on the subject of driving and the supernatural, let me read to you this excerpt from the Book of deBurgh: “It was late at night on the open road, speeding like a man on the run. A lifetime spent preparing for the journey. He is closer now and the search is on, reading from a map in the mind. Yes there's a ragged hill, and there's the boat on the river. And when the rain came down he heard a wild dog howl, there were voices in the night – “Don't do it!”, voices out of sight – “Don't do it!” Too many men have failed before; whatever you do: Don't pay the ferryman!”

As always, my plucky little sidekicks, Love and Peace, and take care of each other out there. Ka tanga dia and kenavo. We watch the watchers!]

I’m sorry, folks, I stepped out of the room for a moment and came back to find him wailing away at the keyboard like a team of monkeys trying to recreate Hamlet. If only a banana would quell him as easily. I fear the combo of Mexican food and woog from Nebraska is what brought this state on, but it seems to have largely quit his system. He has settled into a twitchy sleep and Hannibal has been able to relent on maintaining his submission hold. In all seriousness though, there are large kernels of truth at the core of Edison's rant. Particularly the bits about journeys (also truckers, which he was strangely lucid about). Having been on the road for fourteen days, I can't imagine having passed by this opportunity. We've been to some awe inspiring destinations, but the expedition itself is what is igniting the fires in our brains (also John's Tacos, in Edison's case, albeit not the good kind of fire and not just in his head, fate help us). Whether you gather a boon team like Xuanzhang, or you just get some drugs and go Kerouac style, get out there if you can see what this country of ours has to offer. Too quick are we to rush off foreign lands, I think. Trust me, you go even 1,000 mile from home and it feels like an altogether new country. I will forever more be an advocate for this sort of thing. OK, done belaboring the point for now. We've fortified for the night and  now that all of the hatches are battened as it were, I too am off to dreamland. Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

Thank you for tuning in! On our next episode: The Hills Are Black History!; Aren't You A Little Short To Be A National Monument?; It's A Good Thing His Head Is Attached As Firmly As It Is; Back To The Future: We Begin Our Return To The East!

A note concerning tangents: (XIII)

Current Location: Denver, CO (pop. ~608,000)
(N39°40.906', W104°58.541', Elev: 5,316 feet)
Distance traveled on leg 13: TBA
Total Distance Traveled: TBA
Expedition Outlook: Revved Up

Yet another destination you might think we fabricated.

It's always nice to be able to begin these broadcasts with good news. In this case, I am pleased to report that Edison has recovered from his case of brain death and rejoined the expedition as active member (as opposed to our cooler, for example, which is a passive member).

Today was largely a another transit day. We strode around Moab in the early afternoon. While the proprietors were pleasant and some of the shops interesting, it was not quite the commercial experience of Frankenmuth, MI. Moab is a nice town, but the park is the gem of the area as far as I am concerned. Speaking of, I regret to report that I was unable to make it back to the park this morning. My body clearly needed the rest and made sure that I got it. I see it as less of a missed opportunity and more as an opportunity to return.

Mountains, and plenty of them.

The scrub land of Utah eventually gave way to the scrub land of Colorado, of which there isn't much. It didn't take us very long to reach what appears to be the eminent terrain style of the Coloradan landscape and which is new to the expedition: frickin' mountainous. Colorado apparently decided to spend all of its left over money on mountains. It is not an exaggeration to say that at least 50% of our trip to Denver from Moab was through the same mountain pass, including multiple tunnels and at least one river crossing. While the terrain was lovely enough, it was so tall and so close that it really prevented one from seeing much of anything or being able to take useful shots of what was actually there. Corona would like to add that she dislikes trying to negotiate steep grades at heights in excess of 7,000 feet. From the tiniest sliver that we've seen thus far it's hard to make a statement about Denver. We'll be venturing briefly into the city on our way out tomorrow so I hope to have more to offer then.

As we don't have much trip news to share, I can give a quick run down on the party:

That's Owen on the left. 

Hannibal has been subdued since we got to Colorado. Perhaps this is bear country and he's feeling some greater purpose and primal call that is calming the raging waves of his inner oceans. Or he could be really hungover. He was unaccounted for for a large portion of last night after we got back from the park.

Edison tried to kill Eloise with a paradox loop while en route. Eloise deflected his attack with only some minor residual effect. Beyond that, things have been going rather smoothly with our Lazarusian navigator.

The Crew Bears have been having a lot of secret meetings. I think Paliachi is concocting a scheme with the other two. If I were Hannibal I'd tread carefully around those girls...

Edison, as I mentioned before, has rebounded in the manner of a weeble that wobbles but never actually falls down. Even as early as one o'clock in the post meridian he was employing his broadsword wit and oblique repartee to great effect. His ability to get sunburns simultaneously on his shins and calves is quite impressive. Speaking of our erudite companion, let's see if he can scrabble anything out into the broadcast without sounding like our good buddy, Das Jü:

[Notes from Edison: Hrm mumble clubberin' Brusha my teef!
No, really, I feel fine. The lixiviation of my brain was only a minor setback, and I'm sure the cravings for sweet sweet human flesh will go away soon enough. Though strawberry gatorade has been proven to be an unsatisfactory substitute for hot red blood. Anyway.
Not much to report today, except for our arrival in Denver and our excitement for the upcoming visit to Carhenge, the only attraction on this entire trip that we were sure we were going to visit before we left. Hopefully it will live up to its hype. Also we were able to meet today with the wonderful Paige, who was kind enough to let us crash at her flat for the evening. You will no doubt be seeing her in tomorrow's post.
For now, I will leave you with this; "A man walks down the street, it's a street in a strange world, maybe it's the Third World, maybe it's his first time around. He doesn't speak the language, he holds no currency, he is a foreign man, he is surrounded by the sound..."
Surreal, that. Well, for now biday and sag olun. Love and Peace, and take care of each other out there. We are not Hobos!]

No sir, we most certainly are not. The make up of our expedition team would be significantly changed (we'd have a lot more baggage for starters), not to mention our technology suite would be an entirely different bag of weasels. Perhaps in a parallel universe hobo equivalents of ourselves are going on a road trip. In the spirit of adventure I wish them godspeed and safe travels. As for us, it is time once again for our curtain call. Bow (only one is necessary Hannibal) and exeunt. Thank you, America, and goodnight. This is the Nickness, signing off:

Thanks for tuning in! On our next episode: Un-Bearable!; Druids, Rev Your Engines!, Dakota Strikes Back!; Ah, I See What You Did There.

A note concerning tangents: (XII)

Current Location: Moab, UT (pop~5,100)

(N38°33.906’, W109°33.023’, elev: 4056 feet)

Distance traveled this leg: 93.9, and that was just driving around Arches and back and forth to town.

Distance hiked in Arches National Park: Edison (~9 miles), Nickness & Hannibal (~13.5)

Total Distance traveled: 4052.9 miles

Expedition Outlook: Dehydrated

Number of Shooting Stars Seen Over the Utah Desert: 8

Vista seen from Partition Arch.

Hello again from Moab, fair readers. Arches National Park was phenomenal. In an apples and oranges sort of fashion it was just as good as the House on the Rock, which, as you may recall, has been the expedition’s current high point.

The entrance to Devils' Garden.

We managed to rouse ourselves at an hour that while not early for most people was early for us. In standard expedition fashion, there was much back slapping, egregious praise, and even a couple of medals and awards were issued. By time we were finished of course, we had used up a bunch of time, so we made haste to the park.

After a brief pow-wow session with a ranger, we had an agenda: Devil’s Garden (and its multitude of arches), the Windows and associated attractions, and finally Wolfe’s Ranch and the Delicate Arch.

Devil’s Garden is a roughly 7 mile trail loop (not including the hike out to the Dark Angel, which we omitted, or any of the other trail branches that we did take). We naturally assumed that we could handle a 7 mile hike on uneven terrain, complete with scrambling and climbing, all under the eye of Edison’s bitter foe, Apollo. This is an important thing to remember for later. We attacked the trail with our usual vim and vigor: With me boldly forging along ahead to provide the best first impression about the excursion team and to talk to any locals that may need talking to; Edison padding around, alert for all of those things that are important for a successful excursion to be aware of, such as: excellent photography vantages, trail heads, Batlabian desert skirmishers, hornets, suit cases full of money, pretty girls, hobos, and furious wildlife; Hannibal rides in the excursion pack and largely acts adorable until he can get within paw’s reach of an unsuspecting lady, at which point he acts lecherous and grabby.

Landscape Arch

The terrain, though uneven and a little treacherous, was trod beneath our might feet as we began our conquest of arches and other vistas. Something you should know about Devil’s Garden, the first few sites, Pine Tree Arch, Landscape Arch, Tunnel Arch , are all located on the ‘easy trail.’ To see the rest (Double O, Navajo Arch, Partition Arch, Private Arch, and if you’re interested, Dark Angel) visitors must assay the more strenuous Primitive Trail. Perhaps one of the excursion team’s greatest weaknesses is that it is entirely male (with the exception of Tachikoma, who doesn’t offer much on her own volition one way or another), so we lack a certain balanced perspective when it comes to decision making. In this case, we stuck with our original plan of doing the whole loop. 

The top half of Double O. 

The Primitive Trail was totally worth it; we saw a lot of interesting things and went a lot of interesting places, including some smaller arches that did not appear on the map. We also discovered that the sun is our enemy (more Edison’s than mine) and that while two liters of water, per person, is adequate, three liters would have been a lot better. Though we successfully completed the hike without becoming buzzard chow, Apollo dealt Edison a crushing blow, knocking him out of commission for the rest of the day. Hannibal and I weathered the trail much better, and after refueling, rehydrating, and returning Edison to our lodging, we returned to the park. Our unexpected time in town removed the possibility of hitting both of the remaining stops on our agenda, so we elected to head out to Wolfe Ranch and the Delicate Arch.

Delicate Arch at sunset.

It was well worth the trip, although there were definitely some moments where we were regretting our choice, in particular when we learned that the entire hike to the arch is uphill. None the less, frequent rest stops, an auspicious bag of carrots, and most importantly sheer stubbornness won the day and we finally gained the pinnacle and Delicate Arch. We even made good enough time that we could explore the region around the arch before watching the sunset over the canyons. Once Apollo smugly retired for the evening, the team made its way back to Corona. On a whim, we detoured onto the top of a bluff to watch the sky (there were some thunderheads in the distance and an occasional lighting flash, although nothing really came of it). There is very little light to bleed into the sky that deep into the park, and the sky overhead was clear enough to allow the Milky Way to be seen, as well as a number of shooting stars and an object I’m assuming was a satellite but could very well have been aliens. I was even able to pick out some constellations and other phenomena thanks to our trip to the Adler in Chicago. If you’re still reading this, thank you again Pat, for giving me the lay of the land above the horizon. After an hour or so of gazing, we finally packed it in and headed back to base.

Landscape near Delicate Arch.

While I cannot speak for other expedition members, I can certainly relate my thoughts and feelings about this place. First off, if you’re a fan of national parks and hiking, and if you are able, go there. You might even want to consider going even if these things don’t typically interest you. The land has a very primal feel. Everything is huge and shaped by forces more complex and vast than anything man has likely conceived of. It’s places like these that give me a perspective on just how fascinating and wonderful a world we live in. There was a moment, when were resting in the shade under Private Arch and staring at these magnificent canyon walls, when I realized that there was utter silence around us. No plants to rustle, no wind to rustle them, no bugs, or animals, or birds, no people, no sounds of civilization, there was nothing but the sound of my own pulse in my ears and the breath in my lungs. It is the only time I can remember ever being anywhere in absolute silence. It was awesome, and the truest sense of the word, which is to say “inspiring awe.” Later in the day, at Delicate Arch, I climbed up a rocky column, and perched there, a good 600 feet above the plateau where Corona was distantly parked (which itself is over 5000 feet above sea level), and I could see for miles. And the only thing I could see was desert and scrub and canyons and rocky spires and this magnificent, improbable arch of sandstone. I was so high up that I could see both ends of a rainbow whose feet easily straddled an expanse of land whose width would need to be measured in miles. Everything was so stunning and it filled me with a sense of wonder and vigor and vibrancy and just plain ‘ol good feeling. For a few brief moments it was as if the world was a perfect place, with everything in alignment, and despite being a mile above sea level, head in the clouds as it were, I felt a deep connection to the bones of bedrock below me. Maybe that’s what the Hindu and Buddhist practitioners mean when they speak of Nirvana. I wish there was a way where I could give even a glimmer of that feeling to you, treasured readers, but this broadcast is a poor medium for such a thing, even if such a concept wasn’t so heavily subjective in the first place. In a way, this whole trip has been like that, as far as giving me a far different perspective and context with which to view life and the living of it, but not in such a mind blowing way as I experienced today.

Hannibal being coy. 

OK. I’m done babbling now. Thank you for bearing with me. Edison will be taking a hiatus from the broadcast this evening, so that he might better work on recovering. Tomorrow will bring us towards Colorado and Nebraska (somehow we ended up missing Wyoming. I think it’s because, ready for this folks, we went through Idaho). I’m going to strive to be up and put together enough to see some more stuff in Arches before we go, while Edison sleeps in. Cross your fingers for me, readers, because I very much want to experience as much of the park as I can before we depart. And on that note, I need a shower and then some sleep. Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

The last arch of the day was one made of clouds. 

Thank you for tuning in! On our next episode: Arches Redux; How Many Mountains Before You Can No Longer Shake A Stick At Them?; Edison: Now A Zombie?; Beginning The Return Journey East