A note concerning tangents (redux) V

 Current Location: Manique, Portuagal (Census Data unavailable)

(Cooridinates, unavailable)

Days 5&6

Expedition Outlook: Girded

Number of People Who Have Tried to Sell Me Drugs in Lisbon: 7

Where am I? Hard to tell sometimes.

Well, dearest readers, I’m going to be frank with you: In case you haven’t figured it out by the entry head, I’m going to cheat. It probably won’t be the last time, either. Day 5 was a bit of a lazy transit day so I’m going to bundle it up with Day 6. The hope, of course, is that I might actually (ha ha) catch up to the present day. You know, it’s strange. The last expedition was entirely helter skelter, flying by the seat of one’s pants antics. We had no plan, no agenda, we didn’t even know where we were sleeping until a few hours before we got there. And yet we had a routine. I think saying ‘routine’ makes it seems more organized than it actually was, but you get the point. Or you will, which is this: barring connectivity issues (either with the internet or with my brain) I was able to rip off a post most nights. Here, I’ve got a base of operations, the ability to settle yet, and a much more structured itinerary and yet by ability to observe any sort of routine or discipline is totally shot. Perhaps because I’m not the Expedition Leader on this one, or maybe the existence of external order lessens my need to create internal order. Or maybe both. Or maybe it’s Martians. Anyway, it’s weird, and I apologize to you for my utter slackitude.

Loverly, ain't it?

On to meat! Day 5 started in Lagos and ended in Manique. In between we visited Vila Nova de Milfontes and Casicais. The trip north was smooth. Although the feel of the place is still very southern California (and in the more modernized areas, the two places could be interchangeable save for the language difference and the use of the metric system) things are getting greener as we travel northward. Less scrubland more… not scrubland. Lushland? Sure, we’ll go with that. VNdM was a cute riverside town where we stopped to pick up lunch and enjoy the fantastic view from the bridge crossing the river valley. Caiscais is a beach town where the larger portion of my cousins live and also where Pops, Lady, and Justinian are staying (as opposed to in Manique, the next town over, where Brother Dear and myself are crashing). So after getting settled and unpacked in Manique, we went to the home of the Matriarch in Casicais and did a big family dinner. It was fantastic. Families are wonderful things to have. And when the bulk of them live in a foreign place, it’s a delight and refreshment to observe the dynamic from a place of comfort and affection. As opposed to a place of anxiety and confusion because you don’t speak the language and can’t possibly be sure that you didn’t just egregiously offend someone.

After dinner we wrapped things up, returned to our crash spaces, and prepared for our first big excursion into a major metropolitan area: Lisbon.

And now day 6! It’s been sometime, I know, I hope you didn’t wear out the seats of your pants or the edges of your seats, dear readers. So, I know many of you have been outside the country before, so bear with my here. Lisbon is the first major urban area I’ve visited outside of the States. OK, so I’ve been to a few places in Canada, but as another relatively new colonial country, it shares a lot of qualities with the US so it doesn’t really count. Here’s the thing with Lisbon: It’s different. Big surprise yeah? Succinct and easy see you tomorrow! Seriously though, nowhere else that I’ve been provides an adequate sense of context within which I can generate a comparison. And it’s not just the language and the metric system that throws me. Lisbon has been around since before Europe even started to colonize the Americas, never mind since our country was founded. It’s an old city. They routinely dig up crap that the Romans built when they lived there. Shoot, the city has been around since before Rome. I can’t even begin to understand the billions of forces that acted upon Lisbon and shaped it into what it is today. It’s nothing like any American city I’ve been in.

Ok, time to contradict myself. It’s Urban. It’s metropolitan. In that sense, it’s like cities everywhere. Or at least everywhere I’ve been. Shoot, I’m of very mixed mind here and it’s hard to articulate. Lisbon was both extremely impressive and nothing at all special. This is a dichotomy I’m having some trouble dealing with, still, so I’m going to move on to the details of the day.

Our plan consisted of taking a walking tour and seeing some sights. This involved a lot of tricky navigation up hills and through tiny streets, but it was totally worth it. First major stop was the Castle of São Jorge. Big honkin castle in the middle of the city. Between earthquakes and neglect the location might not be as splendidly preserved as some other historical sites out there, but seeing as it is a castle, after all, it has weathered the centuries pretty damn well. Well, at least the bits meant for war have. If you like old ruins and the like, the place is a treat. It’s is also absolutely filled with semi-feral animals of all stripes and configurations, the most conspicuous of which are the peacocks. And friends, let me tell you, nothing says “circle of life” quite like a peacock and a cat fighting over the leftovers of someone’s sandwich while tourists from 16 different nations try and take photographs and yell out encouraging advice.

Post castle we transitioned through some minor locales and ended up visiting the Patriarch Cathedral of St. Mary Major. It’s a fully functional Roman Catholic cathedral and is the see of the Archdioceses of Lisbon. It looks a bit run down on the outside, but is absolutely gorgeous on the inside. Say whatever else you’d like about the Catholics, but they make darn pretty places of worship.

We rounded our trip with a stroll through some slightly more ‘modern’ areas of the city. That means areas that were built after the big quake in 1755, so when I say modern I mean “still older than America.” The most impressive of these modern areas are the Rua Augusta Arch and the connected Praça do Comércio. They’re the kind of places that don’t really feature attractions or activities per se but are just nice to hang about and soak up the atmosphere. I took advantage of the wide open spaces of the Praça to waltz with my mother. It was very nice.

After that we took a nice long walk along the waterfront, got some dinner in one of the pier sections and called it a day. It was a good day and did a lot to embolden the Expedition members. It was also the first occasion I’ve been able to spend time with my young cousins Tiago, Hugo, Barbara and Vasco. Absolute gems, and if they’re at all indicative of how the Portuguese handle child rearing, then we are way far behind over in the states.

I’ve little else to report in the way of expedition news. Still no hot female truckers, but no surprise there. No one has yet to claim the $10 bounty for punching a pigeon mid-flight. Big people sightings are extremely sporadic. This leads me to believe that it might be a problem indigenous to the Americas. I did run into Alabaster, King of Pigeons in all of his majestic and blinding white majesty. Don’t know what business he was conducting down on the Lisbon waterfront, but his royal retinue was quite a sight to behold. Alabaster, if you are reading this, then thank you again for gracing me with your royal presence. And you, delightful and cherished readers, are ever a pleasure as well. Time for me to go, thank you, and good night, this is the Nickness, signing off. 

"When there's a bustle in your hedgerow..."

A note concerning tangents (redux) IV

Current Location: Lagos, Portugal (~pop. 19,000)

(37°06′N 8°40′W)

Day 4

Expedition Outlook: Multiplicative

Number of feral cats living at our hotel: ~6

*Bonus Data* Feral dogs and cats living together: Mass Hysteria!

Hello again from Lagos, faithful readers. Today is the start of our two day transition period from the Algarve back north to Lisbon and its surrounding environs. My brother will be officially joining us from the states and we’ll also see the addition of the first of many recurring characters: my cousin Pedro and his lovely wife Anna.

I discovered the existence of probably three more cats. Another female calico (I don’t think it’s one of the Fates, but a new player), a male tabby and their adorable kitten. I have named them Zeus, Hera, and Hermes. The only thing I saw Zeus and Hera do was fight over a piece of ham and occasionally stealth abduct food from abandoned place settings. Hermes adorable chased his own tail, lost a fight with a bamboo leaf, and is apparently capable of short distance teleportation, because I have no idea how he got on top of that table, but it was extremely adorable when he fell asleep in the sun and rolled the edge. No worries, readers, he is a real cat, unlike some others we might know and landed safely on his feet.

Pre arrival of the family it was a lazy day. The Expedition split into separate excursions. Pop and Lady navigating the old town districts while your darling navigator returned to the cliffs to commune with the gods of land and sea. Definitely one of the advantages to operating out of a single base for a few days as opposed to finding somewhere new to sleep every night. It was actually quite nice to have zero timetable pressure; to be able to head out and switch off for a few hours, which isn’t something I was ever really able to do on the last Expedition. Well, except for in Moab , but as you may or may not recall, that was the only time we stayed in the same place for two nights in a row.

My cousins and brother arrived without ceremony. It’s strange really, not having to battle the wrath of angry gods or hostile Batlabians. It’s quiet in that too quiet kind of way. It makes me wonder what is awaiting us up north.

The rest of the day was spent idly socializing and finished with a magnificent dinner. I’m going to point out that the daily routines here favor late lunches and late dinners, typically around 8:30 or 9:00. I really love it because that’s the schedule I tend to keep anyway. Of note for the dinner, beyond the quality of the food, was the quality of the service. We were in what would easily be considered an upscale restaurant state side. What was amazing was that we got the kind of service you would expect from such a restaurant but never actually see. Small courtesies, little touches and nuances in the way the staff conducted themselves and went about the process of serving dinner. Everything from the way a plate was cleared to the way wine was poured to the class of the uniforms. Tiny gratuities that were significant not in their value but in their presence. My brother ordered a four course tasting menu. The first course of which was a tiny cup of soup. Instead of serving just him and letting the rest of us watch him eat, the restaurant served us all the soup course free of charge. It was a tiny espresso cup full of soup and a piece of salmon maybe the size of the first knuckle on your thumb,  nothing of great substance, but the thoughtfulness was noted and made a huge difference. The meal was full of those little touches. I was very impressed. And this, also, in a culture where servers are paid a decent wage and tips are neither required nor counted upon. These people weren’t fishing for a big tip, they were conducting themselves professionally. It was a nice change of pace.

Upon the conclusion of dinner we had a pleasant walk back to our lodging whereupon we began preparation for our departure the next day. A low key day, but very pleasant for its lack of activity. I hope the opportunity for such a day presents itself  again in the future.

In member news, Pops is clearing up nicely, but he appears to have passed along his malady to the Lady. Ever forward into the swirling maelstrom of chaos and catastrophe we travel, bastions against the malefic forces of the cosmos. Lisbon, you are in our sights. I hope your loins are girded, because we are coming for you. Thank you, and farewell, this is the Nickness signing off.

"Let me see what Spring is like on Jupiter and Mars..."

A note concerning tangents (redux) III

Current Location: Lagos, Portugal (~pop. 19,000)

(37°06′N 8°40′W)

Day 3

Expedition Outlook: Wanderlusty

A view  you could used to, yeah?

Greetings again from the past of the future! On day 3 Pops found his man pants and decided to resume his duties as Expedition Leader. On the day’s roster: a road trip to parts unknown, but soon to be made known, or at least passing familiar. 

We headed west onboard Justinian (as I have discovered our steed is called). Our first stop, the village of Luz. But I get ahead of myself. This story truly starts the night previous, when Pops and Lady, drunk on power from their spec ops success against the prostitutes, decided to undertake an info gathering session at the hotel reception desk. I was not privy to the goings on of this summit. They returned to the room with a marked map and talk of a ‘route’ that we would ‘sight see,’ and that was pretty much all we had in the morning. Whatever details the receptionist had told them previously had been polymorphed by advancing age and dreamland into: “Well, we’ll go to this place and drink some coffee in a café. Then we’ll go to this place and….I don’t know maybe that was the one with the coffee? I think we’re supposed to be stop at a café everywhere.  Also there is a beach with dark sands. And I think maybe we go to this one for fish? And this one over here has meat. I think there may have been more, but nothing else is circled on the map.”

So as I describe each location, I would like you to imagine a scene wherein before each disembarkation there is a brief discussion about cafes, a seeking of confirmation to the presence of fish and/or meat, as well as an exchange along the lines of :

“Did they tell us to stop here?”

“Well it’s circled on the map.”

“What were we supposed to see?”

“Well I don’t know, weren’t you paying attention?”

“No, it’s your job to pay attention. I think we’re supposed to get a coffee.”

Progress defined: Roman baths and satellite television.

At any rate, our first stop was Luz, a pleasant little seaside village. There were some ruins of an ancient roman bath. (Keyword there being ‘ruins.” There were not majestic remnants of history, there were some holes in the ground). There was also a church that had been rebuilt many times on account of it being destroyed by an earthquake, fire (twice) and a cyclone. One would think that the residents might have interpreted this as a sign from God saying he wanted that church elsewhere, but we Portuguese are a stubborn lot. I would expect some locusts or maybe a tidal wave in the next 10 or so years.

Pew pew!

After Luz was Sagres. The Expedition indulged your fine narrator and set its sights on an old fort and navigation school associated with Henry the Navigator. As near as we were able to tell the place is called Sagres Point and it is a pretty large defensive fortification built on a narrow strip of cliff overlooking two bays, picked, presumably, for the convenience of being able to aim cannons at both bays so they could shoot the crap out of the Moors or the Spaniards or whomever was trying to invade Portugal at the time. I found it to be quite enjoyable.

A very quaint deathtrap. 

After Sagres was Aljezur. Which, we discovered once arriving there, was not actually the place we were supposed to go, but rather a landmark to get us to where we needed to be. Kat took advantage of the opportunity to try and kill us first by maneuvering us into narrow, difficult to navigate streets and when that failed by trying to get us to drive on an “unpaved road” which is gps talk for “not a road at all, have fun driving your vehicle through some small trees.” Pop's skills and Justinian’s agility foiled Kat’s plans and got us safely to Monte Clérigo, a tiny village where we had a phenomenal lunch of locally caught fish. This satisfied the fish requirement and afterwards we headed into the only mountainous region of the Algarve to satisfy our meat requirement.

When I say freshly caught fish I mean it.

This exists on roughly five terraced levels. 

Our destination was the village of Monchique. As far as I could observe, all of the villages in this region were about the same size as the ones on flatter terrain, they just happened to occupy that space on the vertical plane as opposed to the horizontal. A lot of terraces and switchbacks and tiny roads with no guard rails and perilous drops. If this doesn’t sound hazardous enough, I’d like to mention that your average Portuguese driver seems to enjoy going at least 30% faster than the posted speed limit and is not familiar with concepts like “deceleration” or “yield.” Monchique was pretty, though, and the meat quite tasty. They had a lot of sculptures of young ladies with their blouses open reading books, playing tag, and for some reason, performing carpentry. 

Crass commercialism tends to be very photogenic.

Our final destination was Vilamoura, which frankly was not super impressive. It is everything you’d expect from a purpose built tourist resort town. The only culture there was commercialism and we’ve got plenty of that in the States. It was well executed and pleasant enough in its own right, but it won’t be making any highlight reels.

Moving on to the social commentary portion of our broadcast, I’d like to mention that it is incredibly disheartening to see so many pretty girls smoking, a habit I find to be absolutely repulsive.  In a somewhat related vein, (the vein being “Hey she’s cute. Ah man, she smokes. Gross”) I’d also like to share with you something I’ve observed about ladies from the UK. First off, they apparently always travel in packs. I’ve yet to find one operating solo or only in the company of men. That’s not the point though. The point is this: You’re walking down the street. You see a lovely girl. And then she opens her mouth and out comes a trashy British accent so thick you can actually see it emanating from her mouth like a speech bubble. I’m talking Eliza Doolittle (Pre Higgins polish of course) after getting hit in the mouth with a sock full of rocks. It’s so shockingly disappointing. And I associate with people from Boston, Long Island, North Jersey, and NYC, which covers just about all of the low points in American dialect save for some of the gems you’ll find in the deep south. All of them inevitably are smokers too. So sad!

I’m beginning to lose sight of the relevance of anything I want to comment on, so I’m gonna call this one a wrap. Remember, kids, progress is the hallmark of civilization, and progress takes time! So think of my delay in updates as an investment in the future of modernity and advancement. Thank you and good night, this is the Nickness, signing off. 

Boa Noite!

A note concerning tangents (redux) II

Current Location: Lagos, Portugal (~pop. 19,000)

(37°06′N 8°40′W)

Day 2

Expedition Outlook: 66%

The main promenade in Lagos.

Bom Dia, as they say in the local parlance. It’s taken some doing, but here is our broadcast for Day 2! (I know, I know, it’s actually Day 4 now, but managing one’s time in the future is proving to be quite the chore.) The concept of remaining in one place for more than two days is utterly confusing to veteran Expedition members. Judgment of this situation is being reserved until more data can be collected.

There are three feral, calico cats that apparently reside at the hotel where we are staying. I have decided that they are sisters and have named them Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos. They have not, at least within my sight, done anything more significant than hunt for scraps from patrons, but it would not surprise me in the least to know that they held the fates of everyone within the town within their tiny, crazy paws.

Pops was laid low by stowaway domestic bacteria and elected to lay low for the day. Having some experience leaving weaker expedition members behind in the lodging and continuing to adventure without them, I didn’t even need to think twice about leaving him behind. I’m beginning to think that all successful expeditions bring along one member to serve as a deific lightning rod. We’ll see if Pops can fill the role as adeptly as Edison. I am doubtful of this, but with the addition of Brother Dearest I think they’ll be able to come close to matching his effectiveness. You know, if there is ever a need to quantify god aggro into measurable unites, I propose we name them Edisons.

One of the many gorgeous cliffside views

At any rate, the Lady and I elected to assay the cliffs of the coast and burn off some of the egregious calories we had been accruing. The hiking was only mildly difficult, I only had to climb once or twice. The scenery was beautiful, and unlike some other hostile rocky hikes I’ve been on, the proximity to the ocean provided a wonderful breeze. Also, civilization and re-supply was never more than ten minutes away.

Ladies, you can feel free to roll your eyes right out of your head at this point, because I am honor bound by a legacy of Y chromosomes to mention all of the delightful, topless ladies located on the local beaches. Gentleman of the audience, it is a wonderful thing. I know there are a few such beaches in the states, but these (the Portuguese ones) are a long cry from those terrifying chthonic shores. I have yet to see a pale, shambling, pelagic beast beached and languishing on the shore. It’s as if there is a monitoring commission revoking topless privileges from those whose countenance would frighten children and pets.

Speaking of pets, (Oh, and gentlemen, you can collect your ladies’ eyes from the floor at this point and pop them back in so they can get back to reading) there are well behaved dogs everywhere. Hanging out in cafes, making friends on the streets, sleeping on their backs and twitching their paws adorably, voting on municipal policy, and owning property. As you can see they’re actually much better than the hippies and hobos we have rolling around back in MA. Cleaner too.

Cliffs and caves everywhere! Good for bats, I guess.

Didn’t see very many canines on the cliff trails, which, as mentioned previously, were absolutely a treat. The most peculiar event was my discovery of a secret beach full of naked people. That was totally a secret achievement, by the way. I was pretty high up, so I can’t really speak one way or another as to their, ah, suitability for nudity. I also have no idea how they got there, because as near as I could tell the beach was surrounded on three sides by sheer cliff face and on the fourth by the sea. Swimming occurred to me, but they had umbrellas and chairs and a barbecue, so that seemed a bit unlikely. Perhaps a boat.

All in all it was a good day. Pops was feeling up to heading out into public to get some chow and we wrapped up the evening sans any keystone cops vs. hookers shenanigans. Your mileage may very on whether or not that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

And now I’m off to chip away at the backlog! Thank you, for your patience, gentle readers, and goodnight. This is the Nickness, signing off.

Somewhere, beyond the sea....

A note concerning tangents (redux) I

Current Location: Lagos, Portugal (~pop. 19,000)

(37°06′N 8°40′W)

Day 1

Expedition Outlook: Expectant

Number of Attractive Female Truckers Spotted: 0

Ah, Readers Fair, hello again! It is a pleasure to be broadcasting to you once more from another expedition. We’ve got a little something different from our last go around for you this time. An intriguing new cast, exciting new locations, and a myriad of brand new objectives, both hidden and not. Hannibal, Corona, Eloise, you will be missed. Edison, well, I am despairing, for in your absence I lack a suitable partner for our “Please be kind to my retarded brother” grift. Ah well, I will find a way to press on.

Rejoining the ranks for the latest ride on the merry-go-round are Jameson and Tachikoma. So far from home Tachikoa will be operating in a much diminished capacity, but there’s not much to be done about that. Filling Eloise’s space as navigator is the equally nefarious Kat. I’ve traded in Edison for two different human companions, Pop and the Lady. Though not as well trained, nor possessing such an impressive natural talent, in the ways of being awful, I think they’ll still provide adequate character to the Expedition with their wisdom, experience and beauty. Hannibal has been replaced by my dear Brother. I hope he can provide just as much excitement while perhaps being slightly more responsible and tractable.

Now for all of my dedicated fans who have not yet fallen asleep reading my eyeball numbing rambles, let’s get on with the adventure!

We departed Newark, NJ and took flight, soaring through the evening skies and arriving, uneventfully, in Lisbon, Portugal. While my companion for the flight was not an attractive young lady, she was also a sour smelling fat guy, so I’ll call that a TKO and move on. We were greeted by some of our delightful family and enjoyed a pleasant breakfast before the expedition acquired its temporary steed and proceed south to the town of Lagos in the Algarve. Expect to hear more of the delightful family in future broadcasts. Regarding this new steed, well, he is no Corona, but has thus far performed adequately. We’ll see how things go as time progresses and he reveals more of his character to me.

After getting settled, we embarked on our very first excursion: explore town, find dinner. Exciting, I know, but best to start with rudimentary objectives. The town is, simply put, beautiful in a way that I’ve yet to experience in the States. Not better, just… different. The main area of activity is actually in the city’s historic district. The streets are narrow, the walks cobbled and mosaic’d, and there is a feeling of age without oldness. I imagine the latter is common throughout Europe.

We explored briefly, established waypoints, and noted possible destinations for future excursions. We also had some amazing fracking dinner. Best steak I’ve had in a while and crepe suzettes that’d cause a bodhisattva to forsake the quest for enlightenment.

We also had our first escapade of the Expedition. (Well technically the second. Trying to park our Steed in the Marina garage was a bit of a fiasco. Imagine a tiny underground space with rows of concrete cubicles, just big enough to fit a car, facing each other from opposite walls. Now imagine that the only way to access these cubicles is a narrow path maybe two and a half car widths wide. You might be asking yourselves, “Well how would you maneuver your car to park it given those circumstances?” Pure luck and a person standing outside to let you know that you have two millimeters of clearance on that front quarter panel, so just go for it or the car is never going to fit.” I’ll endeavor to grab a photo later. It’s quite insane.)

At any rate, the expedition temporarily split up, and during the course of this split your lovable narrator met some young ladies who worked as hawkers for a local bar. They were cute and sociable (good traits for a hawker) so I figured what the heck, I buy a drink (which turned out to be pretty mediocre, no wonder the bar needs hawkers) they get a commission, some enjoyable empty flirting occurs, everybody wins. Well, turns out somebody forgot to give the script to Lady and Pops. The Lady mistook the hawkers as nefarious (perhaps Batlabian? I could see why she might be paranoid about them after the broadcasts from the last Expedition) evil-doers out to prey upon the innocent. “What brand of evil doer?” you might be asking yourself. Well let me tell you: evil nefarious organ stealing prostitutes. So the two of them hatched a complicated CIA style operation to find my location and rescue me. I was busy nursing my sub-par gin & tonic and chatting with the bartender, so I missed the antics myself, but I understand they were quite the spectacle to behold. Pops did locate me and provided an extremely convenient excuse to avoid purchasing another drink, so off we went. Once I filled the Lady in on the script we all had a good laugh and wrapped up the evening.

And that’s all she wrote, at least for now. Pops is feeling a bit under the weather, but other than that, Expedition spirits are high. Check back a little later today for the post about day 2 and some photographs. For now though, thank you for reading and welcome back! This is the Nickness, signing off.

A note concerning post mortems

Hello, readers. As I draft this, it is already well past four in the A.M. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to me, but trying to wrap up this 19 day journey in a single day is an almost impossible task, particularly with another week of adventure ahead of us that we are departing for in but 6 hours. There is a lot of data to compile, and a lot of thoughts to be caught and laid out. We'll be postponing our final report until after Pennsic has run its course. If you're still interested, check back in a week or so. If this is where we part ways, then thanks for following along. This trip was an amazing experience for us, and if in some way we could bring some joy or adventure into your lives by sharing it with you here, then all the better. See you on the other side of Pennsylvania. This is the Nickness, signing off.

A note concerning tangents: (XIX)

Current Location: Ocean Township, NJ (pop~27,000)

(N40°14.248’, W074°03.929, elev: 165’)

Distance traveled leg 19: 609.0 miles

Total Distance traveled: 7105.5 miles

Distance from our terminus in NJ: 0 miles

Expedition Outlook: Pensive

Good day to you again, treasured readers. It is with a bittersweet heart that I inform you that I am broadcasting now from the end of the tour. As of midnight, August 7^th Corona has pulled into her final port of call (as far as the expedition is concerned at any rate, Edison, Corona, and I are far from done adventuring).

While we did not finish with a whizzbang excursion, we did button up the trip with another impressive sprint. 609 miles from Columbus to Ocean, roughly a nine hour journey. That’s our third longest run. So here we go folks, short and sweet tonight, like a sugary elf:

Hannibal's final victims.

We awoke in Dayton to some very enthusiastic dogs. Once Edison finished reinventing the shower and then spending eight weeks teaching himself how to use the new design and eventually got clean, we joined his family for a pleasant breakfast. I’d like to thank Patti and Bryant for letting us crash at their place and Alexis and Neil for putting up with weird uncle Edison and his strange friend. I can’t speak for Edison, but I felt very welcome. 

It actually ranges pretty far back. 

We parted ways and the expedition set forth for Columbus, Ohio’s capitol. For important state business one might assume based on the expedition’s stature and importance, but one would be incorrect. All pleasure this trip, we checked business in MA before we left. No, folks, we went to Columbus to see a topiary sculpture. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the famous Seurat painting A Sunday Afternoon on the Isle of Le Grande Jatte (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Georges_Seurat_-_Un_dimanche_après-midi_à_l%27Île_de_la_Grande_Jatte.jpg). Maybe not by name, but it’s a pretty popular work. Anyway, this fellow named James Mason did a pretty keen job on creating a 3-D interpretation of it with topiary shrubs at a park in Columbus, OH. It was pretty groovy. And there were some huge Koi.

We called him Casper, because he was huge, lazy, and didn't appear to be very bright. For those of you that don't know the cat, we called him Casper because he was white.

After that it was pretty much just open road briefly through West Virgina, then PA, then finally the good ‘ol Garden State, New Jersey. Edison, anything to add?

[Notes from Edison: Over. Hard to believe. We were talking about this in the car on the way home. It seemed like it passed by in such a flash, but I can barely remember the events just before we left. And despite being over in a flash, it was a significant chunk of a month. Crazy stuff, folks. Time is relative to the observer, proof of that whole special relativity thing.

I’ll save wrap-up for tomorrow, but for today I’m happy to be back where everyone knows our name, as it were. Now to gear up for Pennsic! I’m going to pass out and leave you all to the Nickness’s not-so-tender mercies.

Before leaving, have some quotes: “At every crisis in one's life, it is absolute salvation to have some sympathetic friend to whom you can think aloud without restraint or misgiving.”

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.”

If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.” - Woodrow Wilson

“Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

Ar thoufath and sayanora! Love and Peace, and sleep the sleep of the just. I assure you I will, deservedly or not. We are Sci-Fi!]

Most of the expedition crew is in a similar state. It is kind of hard to believe that it’s over, that we don’t have to be up for a 300 mile trip into the unknown first thing in the morning. We’re all a little subdued, lost in thought. Tonight’s will be the penultimate broadcast. Tomorrow we’ll have a wrap up to share with you guys. As for now, I think we could all use some sleep. Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

Even at the end Eloise can't help herself. Our Destination is actually just to the left of the car icon, not at the end of the street where she is directing us.

Thank you for tuning in! On our text episode: It's All Over But For the Looting And Hiding Of The Bodies; No, Seriously, That's All She Wrote; Not Only Has The Fat Lady Sung, But She Has Eaten The Orchestra; Fin.

A note concerning tangents: (XVIII)

Current Location: Dayton, OH (pop~166,200)

(N39°50.151, W084°07.496, elev: 930’)

Distance traveled leg 18: 448.5  miles

Total Distance traveled: 6496.5 miles

Distance from our terminus in NJ: 598.2 miles

Expedition Outlook: Relaxed

Place we’ve heard about during our travels and least wanted to visit based on its name alone: Smallpox Island, IL.

Good tidings from Ohio. It’s been over two weeks since last we were in the Buckeye State. Morale continues to ride the high from the events in St. Louis. Regrettably, today was another driving day, but we did have time for an excursion in the morning.

Is he bluffing? Only time will tell.

Per Brandie’s advice, we went out and got ourselves some BBQ Pork Steak. One of the better lunches we’ve had over the course of the expedition. It’s a shoulder cut that is apparently quite popular in St. Louis style barbecue. Not hard to see why. The meat has a flavor that lies in a pleasant space between pork chops and ham. If you can get your mitts on some and haven’t had any, I’d certainly recommend it.

A close up of the fearsome Piasa.

Seeing as the most awesome park ranger had not led us wrong yet, we continued on her suggested course, traveling north along what is colloquially called the river road. The IL side of the Mississippi is dominated by gorgeous limestone bluffs, something I never knew and wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t told to us. We took a very relaxing cruise fifteen or so miles along the river to the town of Grafton. On the way we saw a recreation of a native mural that used to adorn the bluffs 1600s. The mural is of a mythical creature called the Piasa.

After browsing Grafton, we followed the Mississippi south, our destination being the Gateway Geyser located in Eastern St. Louis, IL. En route we stopped back in Alton to take a look at the square that served as the site of the 7^th and final of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. Erected in the square are some statues of Lincoln and Douglas in mid debate. It was actually pretty cool as far as monuments go. I don’t know that I’d go so far as to say that the place was heavy with the weight of history or anything, but there was a definite twinge of something in the air.

It was hitting somewhere in the range of 400 feet today we think.

No twinges at the Gateway Geyser but plenty of spectacle. Almost directly across the Mississippi from the Arch is the second most powerful fountain in the world. On a calm day the Gateway Geyser’s four 800 horsepower pumps can propel a jet of water just over 600 feet into the air, close to mimicking the Arch’s 630 foot stature. The fountain is located in an open landscaped field with very little to do or ceremony. Four times a day they turn it on for fifteen minutes. While not precisely final destination material, it was an impressive feat of engineering worth seeing.

Aside from a quick jaunt through one of Edison’s father’s old stomping grounds, that pretty much ended our excursion for the day. Heads down we barreled on through to Dayton, Ohio, where Edison’s sister was kind enough to put us up for the night. It is very much appreciated, Patti, your home is wonderful, your pets affectionate, and the Man Cave super impressive.

Edison, care to contribute?

[Notes from Edison:

Thanks Patti! Always nice to see the family, especially since I don’t get to see you or Bryant, Alexis, or Neil, like ever. And yes, Chucky, you and Jelly too!

Would have been nice to see cousin Jack as well, but it wasn’t to be on this trip. Next summer!

And on a similar topic; Manda, I miss you lots: I love you, and I will see you as soon as I can. I wish it had worked out this trip as well. L

On a happier note, we’ll be able to hang out and talk and eat breakfast here tomorrow, which will be awesome. Then on to a park Dad suggested, and then we head east, towards the rising sun. Except that by then the sun will be receding behind us, but that screws the metaphor all up. No matter, reality is only one of the bases upon which I set my world.

You ever notice how people who try and make themselves beautiful end up looking like aliens? What does that say about our expectations? What does that say about the state of medical practice in the modern age? Does it mean the docs are aliens? The people? Or am I a paranoid nutjob? Film at eleven!

Let’s see: Injuries so far sustained on trip include 2^nd degree sunburn, serious dehydration/sun poisoning, bruised knee, and nearly pulled thigh. Oh, and some skin off a knuckle, I have no idea from where. That’s not bad, considering all of the stuff we’ve done. I mean, I don’t think it’s that bad. Maybe I have weird expectations.

More presidential quotes: “I mean to make myself a man, and if I succeed in that, I shall succeed in everything else.” – James A. Garfield

“One man with courage makes a majority.” – Andrew Jackson

“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” – Harry S. Truman

Slán and lehitraot! Love and Peace, and take yourself just a little less seriously today, we’ll all have a good time. This is not much like Sparta!]

Definitely less giant holes, Persians, and men in leather diapers than Sparta had. Very observant of you, Edison. It would seem, gentle readers, that our insanity only grows in leaps and bounds as the expedition length increases and as we get further east. For example, we are both still awake, at an hour, I will admit, neither of us is stranger to, but none the less it is an hour we have avoided for the most part due to the necessity of us rising before noon. Methinks it’d be best to attend to my sleep before the sun actually peeks its head over the horizon. Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

You'll never guess what's in the foreground of this photo.

Thanks for tuning in! On our next episode: A Landscape Of A Painting Of A Landscape; Bye Bye Buckeye; A Sudden Twist!; Have We Seen The Last Of The Big People?

A note concerning tangents: (XVII)

Current Location: Alton, IL (pop~ 29,200)

(N38°55.121, W090°09.842, elev: 546’)

Distance traveled leg 17:  72.7 miles

Total Distance traveled: 6048 miles

Expedition Outlook: child-like

Total number of hats included amongst Edison’s expedition gear: 9

Bonus Data: Number of hats acquire since expedition onset: 4

Greetings to you, fair readers, I am finally once again broadcasting from east of the Mississippi. I suppose this means we have officially returned to the east. Today was a good day. The past three days were faring poorly in the tall shadow cast by Arches National Park. A definite downward trend had started to develop, but no worries, readers dear, St. Louis has defeated this spiraling motion and sent us soaring once again into the stratosphere of wonder and delight.

The city itself possessed a fairly hybrid set of characteristics in regards to east vs. west. The bits of it we saw were clean and, like most urban areas, ranged from ramshackle to opulent. A noticeable amount of 1930’s Art Deco architecture, a style I’ve always been partial to, was in evidence. Everywhere we went people were not only friendly, but actively went out of their way to be helpful. I worry that our travels have spoiled us with smiling people (As well 75mph roads. Even Edison is feeling a bit of the ‘ol leadfoot). 

"How awesome is this?," you might ask. The answer: very.

Upon arriving in the city we snagged some victuals at the 12^th Street Diner and I was once again impressed that there are short order cooks that actually know how to create a better than adequate meal. We next set off for our first destination, City Museum, a location that was effectively drawn out of a hat. We must either be children or idiots (or some combination thereof), because once again fortune smiled upon us. The description we had read did not prepare us for the sight that greeted our arrival: It looked like someone built the coolest fort ever out of a junkyard. There were planes, actual airplanes, with great steel lattices connecting them to crenellated towers. There was a fire truck mounted on a terrace extending from a tree fort. There was even a giant ball pit. And all of this was before we even got in the door.

Understand that everything you see here is hollow and full of children.

The interior of the building, if anything, ramped things up another notch. Everything was covered in vibrant mosaics or interesting patterns of stuff (a whole wall covered in old printing plates, for example), or just sculpture. The first floor was a M.C. Escher like tangle of corridors, bridges, ladders, and tunnels, all sculpted out of fantastic shapes and designs; sea creatures, trees, forests, and caves all seamlessly blended into pure wonder. And you could climb, crawl, or slide along all of it. There were tunnels extending through the ceiling. Most of these spaces were so small that only children could fit through them, and believe me, there were children everywhere; coming out of the floor, the walls, scuttling along the tubes in the ceiling. I was jealous that I could not tread the same places they did. The second floor contained a more subdued set of physical engagement as well as some actual exhibits and an aquarium. There was another whole playground area on the roof that we very regrettably were unable to see because the museum closed much earlier than anticipated. What really engaged me about the City Museum was its demeanor. Most museums are all about the look but don’t touch; keep off. But City Museum not only said climb on, but it dared you as well. For the third time this trip, I hope that our photos and words will convey more than a mere splinter of the magic of this place to you, cherished readers.

Simple. Elegant. Majestic.

Heavily invigorated despite not being able to see the roof area, we headed to the Gateway Arch located in the Jefferson Westward Expansion Memorial, which itself is a national park. It is planted square on the banks of the Mississippi River and was built around the concept of honoring Thomas Jefferson’s vision and insight in acquiring the Louisiana Purchase and opening up the western frontier of the continent to our fledgling nation, as well as the history of our country’s expansion to the Pacific coast. The centerpiece is the 630 foot Gateway Arch. Built from concrete and steel, the Gateway Arch is the tallest monument in the United States, and is a feat of impressive engineering. Plus it looks cool as all get out. Much more impressive than Rushmore, I feel. Not much more to report after that. We took a late meal and then took off for Illinois.

Om nom nom nom.

Expedition members were in considerable good spirits today. Hannibal in particular was exceptionally rambunctious. In addition to charming ladies (and some wildlife) all over the city, our irrepressible ursine companion got himself into all sorts of mischief. Trying to keep tabs on him in City Museum, with its small spaces and maze-like construction proved to be an absolute nightmare. We weren’t in the building for more than fifteen minutes when the excursion team had to rescue him from a shark. (Edison was forced to wrestle it into submission). 

You'd think he'd have learned his lesson from the shark.

Later on in the day, after disappearing for over an hour, we finally caught sight of him in the clutches of a giant mechanical eagle. I was able to blind the beast with a laser pointer, which had the desired effect of causing it to drop Hannibal and the unintended effect of causing it to chase me under an aquarium exhibit. I was able to escape by crawling out through one of the museum’s prevalent crawlspaces. 

International incident in 3,2,1...

You’d think antagonizing animals would be enough for him, but no. We also found him sparring with a sumo wrestler. It took some prodigious prying to get the two separated, as well as some eyelash batting on Edison’s part (I think the wrestler fancied him). At this point we tried to give him a stern talking to, but it was too late, and our admonitions fell on deaf ears. 

We're not sure how he was planning to operate the pedals.

You see, he had found some hooch somewhere and was an incredible 28 sheets to the wind. Despite considerable issues with remaining upright he managed to slip off again while were in the bathroom. He fortunately spent the majority of his drunk trying to operate the non-functional machinery in the outdoor exploration space. We found him passed out on the steering wheel of the fire truck. Headache though it was, it’s nice to see that he’s kicked the mopey mood he’s been displaying since the Black Hills.

He always looks so smug.

Before I let Edison have a go, I’d like to set aside some broadcast time to extend an extra special thanks to the lovely Heidi for putting up with both Hannibal and our odd requests. We really do appreciate it. I’d also like to thank the super awesome Brandie, once again for putting up with Hannibal, but more importantly for being a kind and cheery spirit six hundred and thirty feet over St. Louis. On her advice we selected our Alton as our ending destination and we’ll be checking out some recommended attractions and cuisine on the morrow as well. If they are even half as pleasant as the woman who suggested them then it will be time well spent.

The photo poorly captures the high levels of both awesome and groove present here.

Now, for your reading pleasure, the significantly less lovely, Edison!

[Notes from Edison:

After that introduction I feel like this will all be a horrible let-down, but I will bravely soldier on. As usual.

There is a movie trope that I believe may both apply and not apply here, called ‘Jumping the Shark’. In a very literal sense it is true for us, but I feel that if you then wrestle the shark to the ground and bludgeon it senseless than you have, in effect, defeated the trope and are free of its defining influence. If not than we might as well quit, because we have also jumped the Giant Eagle, the African Caiman, the Skeletonized Undead Magical Leopluridon, the 1920’s Ford Fire Engine, and the Coin-Operated Coke Bottle Dispenser. Today was very adventurous.

Okay, for those of you who have children, may soon have children, are considering having children sometime in the far distant future, or who simply feel fairly childlike and don’t mind looking like a total ass, you NEED to go to the City Museum in St. Louis. It is seriously the best kid place ever. I so wish there was something like it when I was growing up. Like woah. I actually climbed through little tiny tunnels and wire-frame tubes hanging way up in the sky, without considering what might happen if all of the engineering involved suddenly failed. And I loved it. Me, paranoid guy. Like… woah.

The Arch. Was very cool. I was mucho impressed, and I’m glad we took the time to go up inside it. And after our morning, I didn’t even worry much about the engineering there either. Of course, it helped that the arch typically sways about a half-inch over the course of a normal day. The most it has moved was about 4 inches, when a freaking tornado hit it. The structure was designed to move up to eighteen inches (9 in either direction) in 150-mile-an-hour winds. Like, you know, a Category 5 Hurricane. So, not much to worry about there since it was balmy and muggy and less than windy. By the way, GROSS and muggy, but that’s a different story.

Two quotes from Teddy: “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.”

“When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’”

And one particularly appropriate one from James Madison, another McSmartypants: “Let me recommend the best medicine in the world: a long journey, at a mild season, through a pleasant country, in easy stages.”

Hear, hear.

Love and Peace, and give each other a big old hug for me. Salani kahle and zayt gezunt! We have jumped the Sharks AND the Jets!]

In the time it took Edison to compose that, I think my brain has gone sour. It may have something to do with the hour, which is either ridiculously late or ludicrously early, depending on where you would care to view it from. May your days be as full as ours and your company as rich. Thank you, America, and good night. This is the Nickness, signing off:

Look neat at all hours, unlike some other monuments we might care to name.

Thank you for tuning in! On our next episode: Myth Bird Flies!, A Slab Of Your Finest Beast, Sir; You Could Cut A Car In Half With Water Moving At That Speed, The Countdown Begins